Haters

I'm in a very delicate place as I write this. I came to a huge realization about myself and the people in my life. Specifically the haters.

Quoted directly from urbandictionary.com: "Jelious ass people who can't stand to see someone doing better then them or see that someone has something goin for them and they dont!!!!! thats when they start to hate on u!!!"

Ok, the grammar and use of language alone turns me into a hater, but I won't go there. The point I wanted to make was the haters in my life are the ones who can't stand to see me doing something good for myself, so they come up with ways to prevent me from doing those good things. Their reasons could be jealousy, fear, or just plain hatred--their reasons are their own. But... I mean... come on!

I'll start with the cloaked hater. This comes in the form of that loving, nurturing group called my family. And by that, I mean mom, dad and brother. These are the people I grew up with, who love me no matter what. That's why I say they are cloaked--their are undercover haters.

All the good ol' days. NOT! I never remember us walking like this as a family.

My parents and I have a very complex and interesting relationship. On my mom's side, I believe it's a "I love my daughter, I'd do anything for her as long as it doesn't interfere with my work or make my husband mad." My dad is more like "I will tell her to do everything better because that's what I do but I won't get off my ass to make it better. I'd rather lecture her about politics and her kids from my recliner here on this island."  And my brother, oh he's a tricky one! "My sister... I love her. But I don't want to spend that much time with her."

To be completely fair, I have to say I'm probably exaggerating a bit here. I know my family loves me unconditionally. I love them too. I will do anything for my mother--I think she's an amazingly patient and loving woman. I will do anything for my brother--I seriously believe he hung the moon... seriously... HE HUNG THE MOON. For my dad... well... I'd do most anything. (long story!) He's my dad (techinally step-dad but he's been my dad most my life) and I love him but he always has been and always will be that holier then thou type.

So why are these wonderful people haters? Because, whenever I would announce I was going to do something to better my life--get a job, lose weight, go back to school--they have always laughed and said in a very dismissive way, "Yea, ok." ha ha ha  "Good luck." There has never been any support or help from them. And that has always left me with the feeling of, well, if my family doesn't think I could do it, I probably can't. That mentality has stuck with me my whole life. That's probably why I'm not a super successful whatever because my family have never been the supportive type. My parents couldn't care less when I quit college. They couldn't care less when I made stupid mistakes and got myself into trouble. It's always been a "she'll learn" mentality with them. I see that in my brother now because he's the same way. He is very much "I'll help if she asks, but I'm not going to offer."

Does that make my family haters? No, probably not in the literal sense (not the urban dictionary sense). I know they love me but I just wish they could support me. 

I tell ya... it's a lesson learned for me though! I will support and encourage my children to do whatever they want. I don't care if I'm paying for piano lessons one month and tap lessons the next. I will do what it takes to help them find their thing.


The second kind of hater is a tricky one. It's a friend. Not a close friend. But a friend none-the-less. She is super peppy--the cheerleader type. And I adore her.

Rah! Rah! Rah! Get it done!

She makes up for the lack of support from my family. Seriously, this girl has so much pep in her, she probably makes up for the lack of support in a lot of families. She is a go-getter, a doer. This girl gets her shit done.

So why is she a hater? Simply put: You don't do, you suck. She will lecture you for hours on end if you make an excuse for something. Excuses are unexceptable to her. And if you make up an excuse--real or not--she will write you off for days. She doesn't deal with failure.

I will probably always have a friend like this in my life. I need a friend like this. And when she's hating on me (like this moment... ugh) I feel horrible and small. It's almost masochistic. I need it. Neeeeeeeeeeedddd  iiiittttttttttt.......


This brings me to the third kind of hater. The worst kind. The kind that is dragging me down every day. And the worst part of it, he doesn't do it consciously.

*Sigh*

I recently joined a gym and was super motivated to work out, get into shape and get my life back. I was tired of being a depressed zombie, roaming about my house moaning and crying about stupid stuff. I knew that a little exercise could do nothing but help. My husband and I decided to join together. He's been wanting to exercise as well and we thought it would be beneficial to both of us, not to mention show our kids that we care about health and exercise too instead of shoving it down their throats. Lead by example, you know?

So, the first time I went to the gym the husband was happy to stay at home, watch the little ones. Or so he said. I was gone a little over an hour and I got home to a ration of crap because I was gone "too long". Both kids were home sick from school but they were not doing anything so I figured it wasn't a big deal if I took my time. And it shouldn't have been a big deal.  That afternoon, my son's ear infection resulted in a ruptured ear drum, I had to rush him to urgent care, which meant my sick daughter had to stay home with her dad. That he had no problem with even though I was gone almost 3 hours.

The next time I decided to go we got into an argument. I left angry. I came home angry but he was super apologetic. So I let it slide.  Today, I mentioned going to the gym again and guess what? He was suddenly too tired to stay awake to watch the kids, he gave me a ration of excuses for me not to go (one being I still have one sick kid). I swear, he has the guilt skills of a Catholic grandmother! So I didn't go, he went to bed and I'm left here feeling crappy.

So why is he a hater? I think... and I believe it to be true because he has mentioned this before--he doesn't want me to go to the gym. He doesn't want me to lose weight and look and feel better. Because if I look and feel better, I will leave him. Because every fat girlfriend he's ever had did that. They lost weight, felt better about themselves and left him. So because all those crazy bitches did that, I must be doing it too. Nevermind the 10 years we've spent together. Nevermind the two kids we created and are raising together. Nevermind all that. I was just biding my time to hit the gym and leave him.  He doesn't want me to be better because if I was I wouldn't need him as much and then where would he be? So instead he will do everything in his power to hate on me whenever I mention going to the gym. Or going on a diet... don't even get me started on that! He sabotages that before it even starts. I mention diet and suddenly they are more chips and cookies and crackers on the counter.

I am defenseless against it. I don't want to argue and I refuse to be the nagging wife.

But today, I after he went to bed I had a revelation.

I am NOT going to let these people keep me down. I am going to do something for myself and I am going to get it done. I'm not going to use my unsupportive family as an excuse. I'm not going to use the shame of failure from cheerleader friend as an excuse. And I sure as hell am not going to use a little argument and my husband's insecurity as an excuse. I'm getting my shit done.

I'm going to be a doer. I refuse to be sent to the yellow bench ever again.*

*The story with the yellow bench: In middle school there was a yellow bench in front of the principal's office. The school's big thing was "Be a Doer" which was a cheap and easy way of saying the same thing my kids' school says "Be Safe, Respectful and Responsible".  Well, at my middle school, if you were caught not being a doer, you got sent to the yellow bench. For the past 25 years, I will always associate the yellow bench as a cruel and humiliating punishment to failure. It was in the middle of the school yard and if you were there, your friends--and the whole school--could see and laugh and make fun of you. We would laugh at those kids on the yellow bench, "Ha ha! You aren't a doer!" I still shutter when I think of it.

Thanks for that

Thankgiving. The day to give thanks. At a time in my life when rock bottom and I are well aquainted, I thought I'd lift my head up and thank the people--and things--that make my life worth living.

1. The internet. Where would I be without you? Probably hiding in a corner in my room curled into a ball humming "It's a Small World". You keep my mind occupied with random bull shit preventing me from dwelling too long on the crap that put me and rock bottom into this intimate relationship.

2. Coffee. How do I love thee, let me count the ways. Do I need to state a reason? I mean, come on, it's coffee!

3. Mirrors. Well, mirrors and my mother to be exact. Or maybe I should be thanking Selena for this post . This is a new development in my life but I feel I should be thankful for it. I read that post and got a wonderful visit from my mom at the same time. It was like a slap in the face that I needed. Note: My mom is not fat by any means but she is almost 60. I am only 37. I don't think I should look like a 60 year old. Just sayin'.

4. Adam Levine. You knew I'd go there.

Gratutious Adam Levine picture. I've got a million of them!

 But I also wanted to thank a wonderful artist whom I have grown to love so freakin' much--Matt Nathanson. His songwriting speaks to me in so many different ways. I love how he's kinda dirty in a very cloaked way, but most his lyrics are so raw and real and how he sings them you believe he's been there. Really, honestly, give him a listen. (p.s. this vid is my favorite song of his... well current favorite anyway!)



5. Kids. No, not my kids, are you kidding me? They are the spawn of Satan! Ok, no really. I am thankful for my kids, despite the devil red that pulses through them. I may lose my freakin' mind dealing with them everyday and I seriously believe they have a secret pact going to see which one of them will deliver the final straw that breaks my sanity and send me to the looney bin. But through all their demon child antics, there are those moments when one of them will sit next to me on the couch, rest his or her head on my arm and whispers in the sweet angelic (fake, but who cares) voice, "Mommy, I love you." I may be completely screwing them up but at least they love me. And for that, I'm grateful.

6 & 7. My friends. You know who you are. You sent out a lifeline to me and invited me to "Twilight Tuesdays" that got me out of my house at least once a week. And you weathered through my internal--and totally inappropriate--moans for Robert Pattinson and that totally hot boy whom I will forever call Tater to remind myself that no matter how pretty his mouth is and no matter how grown-up that body is, he is WAY too young for me to look at any way except with the hope that my daughter will someday grow up and meet a nice looking young man like him. Uh hum. And you. You also patiently waiting for me to open back up to you, after I carelessly refused to return your concerned phone calls. Three weeks passed and you diligently called me everyday just to say hi even though I didn't call back once. And when we did reconnect there was no judgement from you, just a "It's ok, I completely understand." Most women would have written me off, but not you. You held on like a real friend.

8. My best friend. I have best friends (see above) and then I have a best friend. How did I say it when I was younger? I had "local" best friends and then I had my "world" best friend. Well, I'm saying thank you to my "world" best friend. When I am on a crazy roller coaster and I'm trying to deal with money issues, or family drama, or kid drama, or just my own emotional being, I'm screaming my head off with my eyes closed waiting for it to end. And when it does, I open my eyes and I find out you were on the same crazy roller coaster--we just both had our eyes closed and didn't realize we were right next to each other the whole ride. So many times, for so many reasons I board that ride with my eyes open, begging you to help me through the climbs and falls and you do so willingly. One little phrase always makes me realize why you are my best friend: "Do you want me to give you the nice bullshit answer or the real one?"  Thank you for that and for so many more reasons I can't even begin to list.

9. I already thanked the internet but I want to end this post with a thank you to words, written words. Without written words I wouln't be able to express myself clearly. Sometimes the words I want to say get lost on the route from my brain to my mouth. But the route from my brain to my hands is much clearer. And I'm extremely thankful for knowing I can come here and write whatever randomness I have going on inside my head, whether people read it or not, it's ok. At least I have my outlet. It's not beautiful lyrics, or a prize winning novel, or even a widely read and acknowledged blog--and I'm ok with that. At least it's here, waiting for these written words to be poured out into it's hungry, blank belly.

Thank you.

Not For Dudes. I warned you!

Yes, this is not for the dude, or the dude minded (not that any men read this--at least I don't think so. I should never assume I guess.).

I'm going to talk about my period. Well, not mine specifically. Maybe just periods in general.

You see, I need to infuse a little humor into my life because I've been down in the dumps for so long and I'm trying to pull myself out of the hole.

Not attractive photo. Was going to make the hole brown but then it would look like I was sinking in shit.
Which I guess would be appropriate.

Anyway. being depressed and being on my period just feels like the whole world is out to get me.

Deceitful little thing it's it? Looks so happy, so healthy. I hate her.

So, to laugh at myself and the millions of other women I thought I'd write down the fun euphemisms I found regarding that time of the month. But I found when you google some things you tend to get something else. Did I really want to know what movie scenes guys associate the period to? Example: The elevator scene in The Shining or Stephan King's Carrie (not putting a clip of that movie--it disturbs me too much) or my personal favorite, vampire death on True Blood. Do guys really think that's what it's like?

My guess--and it's an educated one being married and having a dad, older brother, and many guy friends--is YES, that's exactly what they think.  And they would be right... that is exactly what it's like. Or at least that's what it feels like at times.

So, before I googled I wrote down the euphemisms that I use all the time:

Time of the month
Aunt Flo
Don't touch me, don't talk to me, don't look at me for the next week.

These are the ones I know of but rarely use because I can't pull off the wit of most of these sayings (or find the appropriate time to say them)

Surfing the crimson wave (Clueless... love it!)
On the rag (hate this one)
Game day for the Crimson Tide
Waving the Commi flag
Trolling for vampires
Chumming the waters (my husbands personal favorite--used it a lot while we were in Florida)


After a sucessful google search, I learned these new ones that made me snort my coffee out of my nose:

Massacre at the Y
Miss Scarlet as come home to Tara
High tide at the red river
Riding the cotton pony
Red Skeleton has dropped by
Embracing my moon time


Oh, and my favorite scene about periods? Just had to share this because it made me giggle. And I love Ashton Kutcher... especially in this movie. "No Strings Attached". Even the title illicits period thoughts.

I mean, come on! Who wouldn't want a totally cute guy bringing you cupcakes--especially red velvet cupcakes (another euphemism?)--while you are on your period. And make you a mixed tape, er... CD. And the best line--'There's, like, a crime scene in my pants'.

I'm going to embrace my moon time and be grateful I'm not pregnant. *shudder* That's the silver--crimson--lining in it all.

Venting like Old Faithful

I have about 5 minutes to write this but I just HAVE to write this because it's really bothering me.

As you might have heard, Kim Kardashian filed for divorce after 72 days of marriage. If you haven't where the hell have you been??? Anyway, it's obviously not the first "celebrity" wedding that's ended so quickly but for some reason it hit a nerve with me.

Probably because I've been struggling to make things work with my marriage. Whether that's the point or beside it, I've got something to say.

The term "irreconcilable differences" kind of pisses me off. I know that is one of the most popular reasons why people get divorced. To me, the only irreconcilable differences in a marriage are:

Abuse (sexual, physical, emotional)
Sexual preference
Sexual perversion

I know those are very broad but I think it's pretty obvious. "Sexual preference" mostly means "Oops, I lied, I'm really gay". Which I think I would have hit the jackpot if I got a gay husband, but whatever... And "sexual perversion" is not "Oh, he wanted to tie me to the bed and tickle me with the feather before we made love and I just wasn't into that kinky stuff." It's more of a "I found a huge stash of kiddie porn on his computer and I'm sending his perverted ass to jail."

But lets get back to what I'm originally so livid about: irreconcilable differences. Obviously I do not know what went on in Kim K. and that dude's (last name is Humphries I think?) marriage and I don't pretend to know. But what I do know is that they had a 10million dollar wedding, made 17million off the wedding and they couldn't even give it a go after 2 1/2 months? Really?

The differences between two people are what make a marriage interesting (and frustrating at the same time). Most married people have difference of opinions about things and most married people work their shit out. You made a promise before God and millions of people to love, honor and stay married to each other through good and bad and now you just want to just throw in the towel because of differences?

In my opinion, those differences should have been discussed and resolved BEFORE you said "I do." Do not say "I do" unless you are 100% sure you can handle those things about the other person you can't stand. TRUST ME. Because if they annoy the shit out of you before you're wed, they will annoy you 100 times more after. But that is not a reason to divorce.

I don't know... Like I said, I have no clue what what on in their marriage. I'm trying really hard not to be judgy judgy about them but honestly, if you are going to live your life in the limelight, you need to deal with people like me.

As for me... I heard someone say recently "Be better then reality television." I think I'll just live by that here. I need to be better and let those people deal with the shit they stepped in.

ADDED TO SAY:

I just wanted to say that I do not think their marriage is a "sham" or a "publicity stunt" or whatever else others are saying. That is not where I was going with this. They say they married for love, well good for them but obviously it wasn't enough love to stay together through those differences. And if it was a sham, then it's a pretty elaborate sham that took a lot of brain power and well... I just don't think they are capable of pulling something off so elaborate. JUST MY OPINION.

Getting to Know Me

I get these random emails--or facebook requests--of those 50 questions where you answer it then pass it along to so many other people, see how they respond, if they respond then send it back to you kind of emails and requests.

(Did that sentence make any sense?)

Anyway, I love those. Mostly because I love writing down my first response and then over-analyze myself as to exactly why that was my first response. And since I promised to write more and I'm tapped right now I'm stealing one of those 50 question emails or requests because, well... because it's fun!

So here it is, fun times for all!

Favorites

1. What was your favorite food as a child?  Macaroni & cheese. (that was an easy one!)
2. What is the #1 most played song on your iPod? Oh geez, #1? And iPod? Ok, so... I would guess it's probably one of three songs: "Jolene" by Zac Brown Band (originally by Ray LaMontagne), "Stutter" by Maroon 5, or anything by Adele--probably "Rumor Has It". Uh huh, that's right. Mama loves to sing, and if I can belt it out, I'm going to listen to it over and over and over again.
3. What is one of your favorite quotes? Said like Ross Geller from Friends "Fine by me!" And I usually do the huffing pout and mouth quiver before I say it.

4. What is your favorite indoor/outdoor activity? (Insert Beavis/Butthead laugh) heh, heh, heh, heh, you said indoor activity.Ok, seriously, if I'm inside, I'm probably on the computer, playing World of Warcraft, reading my favorite blogs or writing. If I'm outside, I prefer to take walks with the kids. They always see the most interesting stuff, or make the most boring stuff interesting.
5. What chore do you absolutely hate doing? Cleaning the bathroom. I hate the toilet. I will do laundry with a smile on my face; vacuum/sweep/mop the floors singing; wash the dishes begrudgingly but I'll do it. But the toilet? Hate it with a passion! Especially now with a peeing little boy. Ugh.
6.What is your favorite form of exercise? Buahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh, wait, I'm supposed to answer serious. Walking.
7. What is your favorite day/day of the week/month of the year? Thursday. It's always been my favorite day.
8. What is your least favorite mode of transportation? The bus. Not sure why, just hate it.
9. What is your favorite body part? On me--my hair (that's a body part right?) On men--hands.
10. What sound do you love? I love my kids laughter, makes me happy hearing it.

If...

1. If you could throw any kind of party, what kind would it be and what would it be for? I would throw a casino party with a poker table, a craps table, a blackjack table and roulette. I think that would be so much fun if a lot of friends gathered to have some gambling fun. And who cares what it's for? It's gambling with friends!
2. If you could paint a scenery of anything you've seen before, what would you paint? Easy one--sunset at the beach. Those moments, whomever I was with or where ever I was at were always so beautiful to me.
3. If you could stay a certain age forever, what age would it be? Oooh, that's a tough one. I'd say 25, but I honestly hated 25, but I assumed if I was 25 forever, I could make it better.
4. If you knew the world was going to end in 2012, what would you do differently? I would travel to every loved one's house, give them an enormous hug and just tell them that I loved them. What else could I do?
5. If you could choose anyone, who would you choose as your mentor? Oh geez, I have no idea here. No idea, what so ever!
6. If you could witness any event, past, present or future, which would it be? I want to be there when my daughter's daughter is 7 years old and that little girl is driving her mother crazy because she won't listen, or shut up and she talks back with the attitude of a 15 year old simply because she can. I want to see that so I can look at my daughter and say, "Now you know." and laugh... oh how I want to laugh!
7. If you could learn to do anything, what would it be? Play the guitar.
8. If you were immortal for one day, what would you do? Skydiving and scuba diving with sharks.
9. If you had to work on only one project for one year, what would it be? I'd write a book. I'm assuming of course I wouldn't be bothered that whole year so I actually could write that book.
10. If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? Samantha. Don't know why, just always wanted that name (probably because of Who's the Boss and my early-teen obsession with Alyssa Milano)
11. If you could meet anyone living or dead, who would you meet? My grandfather. I know I already met him but I would love to spend one more day with him.
12. If you won the lottery, what would be the first thing you'd do? Cry. I would cry, cry and cry some more. Then I'd probably go out to dinner.
13. If you were reincarnated into an animal/drink/ice cream flavor which would it be? Ok, this question made me laugh. Ice cream flavor, seriously? No, wait... I'd want to be mint chocolate chip. Because I heard Robert Pattinson likes mint chocolate chip and it would be amazing to be in Robert Pattinson's mouth.
14. If you could know the answer to any questions--except "What is the meaning of life?"--what would it be? Yes. The answer is yes.
15. If you could choose to be any fictional character, who would it be? Hermione Granger. She's cute, she's brilliant and she gets to kiss Ron Weasley.

Personal

1. What celebrity would you be mistaken for? Can I say who I'd wish I'd be mistaken for? I'd be flattered completely if I were mistaken for Sara Ramirez from Grey's Anatomy. I think we look similar but I happen to think she is WAY more beautiful then me. What do you think? Can we pass as at least cousins?

My best friend is going to not like this since Sara is her girl crush. My girl crush is Anne Hathaway which looks nothing like my best friend so maybe she has a girl crush on Sara because she looks like me? Hmm.... something we should discuss maybe?

2.What was one of best parties you've ever been to? There were two that immediately come to mind. First was a New Year's Eve party where--surprise!--was a gambling party. Second was a bbq party, I met a few people that I'm still friends with to this day and it was quite possibly the most fun I'd ever had (at a party that is). Of course it had bad moments but I attribute that to my extreme intoxication.
3. What was the last TV show, movie or book that made you tear up? Friends--the prom video episode where Ross got all dressed up to take Rachel to the prom then her date showed up, blah blah blah. I cried because it was so sweet and she finally kissed him!
4. What's the hardest thing you've ever done? Admiting I was wrong.
5. What was the last experience that made you a stronger person? Being told my child is not good enough. I had to toughen my self up and be stronger about anyone who criticizes (good or bad) my kids.
6. What did you do growing up that got you into trouble? Marcy. I met Marcy. That created a lifetime of trouble. And laughs. So worth it!
7. When was the last time you had an amazing meal? Yesterday at Olive Garden. Seriously, I am ecstatic about their soup and salad. Love it, love it, love it!
8. What is the best/worst gift you've ever given/received? My husband bought me diamond earrings. For any other reason it would be a good gift, but it was a "I'm sorry I pissed you off again" gift. I made him return them.
9. What do you miss most about being a kid? No house or car payments, no budgets, not having to worry about broken appliances, the only child's well-being I was concerned with was my own.
10. What is your first memory about being really excited? I was 5 (I think). Christmas morning and I thought Santa was still in the house. (cute story, I'll have to share it some day!)
11. What was the first thing you bought with your own money. Boots baby! Dr. Marten boots!
12. When was the last time you were nervous? Today. Right now. I'm going out tonight and I always get nervous before I go out and be social!
13. What is something you learned last week? See answer to #5 above
14. What story does your family always well about you? It's not so much a story as something I said one time--one time that happened to be on video tape. We were in Arizona in July and it was so freakin' hot. My dad had the video camera on me, I was eating something frozen, and he said "It's hot isn't it?" and I either wanted to say "very hot" or "firey hot" but I actually said "Ver-iery hot." in a weird southern accent. Everyone still jokes about that to this day. So not funny is it? Yea, I didn't think so. They need to shut up about it.
15. What age did you become an adult? 23. My parents moved away and I was stuck having to take care of myself with no safety net.

Random questions

1. Is a picture worth a thousand words? Elaborate.

I'm sorry if that offends anyone. I actually respect Hilary Clinton. But come on... the question was begging for this!!

2. Where's Waldo? Waldo is now an extreme agoraphobe because whenever he did leave his house no one ever found him. So where's waldo now? Probably in his house, in front of his computer playing World of Warcraft with the other agoraphobes teabagging your corpe and waiting for you to rez at your body again so he can gank you one more time just so he can feel superior.
3. The best part of waking up is? Um... er.... uh.... wha.... um.... geez.... I. Don't. Know. Sleeping and dreaming is so much better then anything I can wake up to.
4. How now brown cow? Stop yanking on my utters you lactose obsessed asshole!
5. Whasssssuuuupppppp? You say that to me again and I'm going to slap into next Tuesday. And by the way, didn't anyone tell you it's rude to stick your tongue out? It's disgusting and no one want to see that shit.

A Typical Night in Photos

This is a photo montage of the night my husband and I had recently. Unfortunately, it's typical, which means it happens a lot. Like, a lot a lot.

First off, let's start at the beginning.

My emotional being:

Rocks. Yes, cold as stone. But notice it's not all one rock. It's several rocks with cracks in between. Sometimes those cracks show emotion and I cry about things but for my most part... it's rocks. I usually don't let my emotions get away from me. I can't handle it when people do. Drives me up the freakin' wall!






My husbands emotional being:

Yea, yea, I know I'm being mean here and probably emasculating him completely (wouldn't be the first time) but come on... he wears his emotions on his sleeve, has no problem letting them show and lets them get away from him frequently. I can't tell you how many times I've stared at him while he throws a freakin' temper tantrum about one little thing I said.








Now, to be completely fair that whole "opposites attract" thing is totally true here. If we were both hard as stone, think of how boring our life would be? And if we were both crying babies all the time our lives would be too tumultuous and who knows what could happen there. Ok, I know exactly what could happen:

So, the other night I was feeling crappy sick and extremely annoyed at my husband because he too was sick. But as any married woman knows, a sick husband trumps any, and I mean ANY sickness you get. His coughs, his groans of "I'm not feeling well" his constant need to preface every damn thing he says with "You know, because I'm sick..." Example: "Because I'm sick, I don't feel like doing anything." And that's different then any normal day because...? "I'm sick, so I'm just going to sleep all day long." "I'm sick so the kids need to be quiet and not play and not make any noise and not bother me for anything... because I'm sick." Um, excuse me Dad but what do you expect your kids to do? They are 5 and 7, do you honestly think they can play quietly in their room at this age? Do you honestly believe your kids can be quiet at all???

Through all this, I kept my mouth shut. Better not to say anything then to cause your sick husband to throw a hissy fit.



Because you know, of course it's that time of the month and I'm on edge anyway. But I try to be a good wife/mother and learn to curb my PMS tantrums, even though I feel like this:

This is when it gets fun. The kids go to bed and my sick, whiney baby of a husband says, "Will you watch TV with me and just hang out with me? I feel like we never hang out."

Um, huh? Don't we live together? Don't we share the same bed? Don't we usually spend every waking moment together? Just because we aren't sitting millimeters apart on the couch watching the same television show doesn't mean we're not "hanging out". For the most part I'm at the desktop computer and you are 7 feet away from me on the recliner with the laptop open or the PS3 remote in your hand. That's not hanging out? What the hell? And usually--usually!--we are doing the same thing when on the computers, we are playing World of Warcraft together. But oh no, that's not enough. We need to be millimeters apart on the couch watching the same stupid ass pawn show that I can not stand but you seem to think is the next television revolution. No thank you. Plus,  you've been annoying me all day. You don't cough, you gag. You don't just sneeze, you rattle the walls. Ever heard of a tissue? It helps with all that snot you've been sucking up your nose all day.

So, kids are in bed, I've held my tongue all day and I thought I'd try something and be completely honest with him. He is always telling me to just tell him what's on my mind instead of saying "Nothing" or "I'm fine." I never want to hurt his precious feelings so I keep my mouth shut. But, he wants me to be honest, so I will be honest. So I said:

"I'm sorry I don't feel like hanging out with you." And probably I shouldn't have said what I said next but my PMS got in the way. "This can go two ways, either we fight about it or you appreciate that I'm being honest and leave it alone but..." I should have stopped there--I saw the look in his eyes--and I should have instead said, "Ok. I'll sit and watch the lame ass pawn show." But no... I couldn't. I had to be all honest. So I said. "I don't want to spent time with you tonight. I'm sorry but you've been annoying me all day and I just want to do my own thing tonight."

Um, yea. I did it. I stepped in it big time.

I knew the instant I said it I needed to back up, clean it up, make it all better. I honestly didn't want to fight with him. I really wasn't in the mood but my big fat mouth didn't shut in time to make it all go away.

But really, I was just being honest. He is always telling me to say what's on my mind--be honest with him--but I never do because, well, I get the reaction I got this night. I knew it was going to happen, I should have prepared reinforcements before hand but I didn't. I was flying by the seat of my pants now, I had to go with it, show him he needs to be a big boy and handle my honesty, no matter how ugly is it.

And this is when I que in the cry baby. Oh, not because I said he's been annoying me. It's because I said he'd been annoying me all day.

Him: How can you say all day? All day? Really? All day?

Me: Well yea. Your coughing, and gagging and the fact that you have been whining about being sick for 4 days now. I get it, you are sick! It's just gotten on my nerves.

Him: But all day? I've annoyed you all day?

Me: Yes, all day. I'm sorry but it's true.

Him: So you hate me, is that it? How is it you can love me and still be annoyed all day by me.

Um...........

Yea... seems he missed the memo on what it's like being married for 9 years. NINE YEARS! And he gets this upset about me being annoyed with him? I'm annoyed with my kids all the time but that doesn't mean I don't love them. A point I brought up but he got all pissy about that because I was comparing him to the kids--again. Well, babe, when you behave like the kids, react like the kids and throw tantrums like the kids... what do you expect?

I can safely say this argument went round and round for almost an hour. He focused on "ALL DAY" while I focused on: Dude, calm the fuck down, act like an adult about this and realize that I was just trying to be honest with you. We could have prevented this whole argument if you just said 'Ok, I'll leave you alone, sorry for annoying you. I'll try better.'

Can you imagine if he did do that? Oh man, that would have been wonderful!

Instead, it was this all night:

So, I ended up taking my medication for the day, week, month. Makes it all go away. Remember?

Credit: I can't even begin to credit where I got all these pictures. But they weren't stolen out of malice. They were used to prove my point of that I am always right and my husband is always wrong. If you want credit for the photo, please let me know and I will credit it for you or take it off. Because after all, I am just trying to be honest here!

Random Thoughts Sunday

I made a promise to myself to keep this blog going, to write at least once a week, to stay diligent and actually commit to and complete something in my life. And I've failed miserably. But I'm remaking that promise, going to drill it into my skull to at least post something, anything, at least twice--yes TWICE--a week, even if it is random thoughts or a silly picture. And because my brain has been completely fried all I have is these random stuff that keep drifting through my mind. And they drift, float for a while then fall flat on their asses because that's just how my brain works.

Now on to the randomness:

1. My Google alerts blew up the past two days. And the things about Google alerts is that sometimes you get an alert for the same thing you already read. Ok, fine. I can accept that. But when my whole inbox is fulled with them I get a little pissy. First off, my Adam Levine alert. He posed nude on the cover of Russian Vogue with his model girlfriend and it seems the Adam Levine world has exploded with his nakedness.If you want to see the pictures, go here but that's all I'm not going to go into detail my feelings because... ah who are we kidding, of course I have to say something! The thing is, while I have probably inappropriate fantasies about him, seeing him so naked kind of made me uncomfortable. I'm totally ok with the fantasies, I like the fantasy. Which is why I never want to meet him, I don't want the fantasy ruined. And these pictures almost ruined the fantasy. Maybe because of the nakedness, maybe because it's his girlfriend but whatever the reason, I was turned off. And there is a video out there of the photoshoot! Um, yea... not going to watch that. Second alert is Chris Pine. (yea, two google alerts about my fantasy men, what of it?) Now, this one is actually good. Really, really good. He's in a new movie with Reese Witherspoon (lucky woman--first Robert Pattinson in Water for Elephants and now Chris Pine--what deal with the devil did she make because I want in on it!) and the trailer for the movie just dropped. If you want to watch the awesomeness, go here . Can't wait for that one! But for the next week, thinking about turning off the Google alerts.

2. My kids. Ugh. My kids. Can I please get one of those sound proof rooms installed in my house, give them a set of boxing gloves, lock them into the room and have them go at it? I am so sick and tired of the fighting and tattling and whining. And after they duked it out, throw all of their toys in there and locked the door again. I'll throw in some Cheez-Its and Capri-Suns every once in a while because I'm a good parent like that.

3. Speaking of being a good parent, apparantly I'm not. I had my kids parent/teacher conferences and both my kids have fine motor skill issues. Seems neither can squeeze a pencil correctly to write legiably. And they scribble, not color. And they can't sit still long enough to even learn to write legiably--they are too busy talking to the other kids, or the teacher, or the teacher's aide, or themselves. Evidentally I didn't spend enough time with them in the younger years doing crafts and fine tuning those fine motor skills and teaching them to focus on the task at hand. But I'm sorry, all those kinds of crafts that require those skills are messy as hell and my kids don't clean up after themselves because they are too busy talking and I HATE cleaning up things they are completely capable of cleaning themselves. See... I'm not a good parent.

4. My husband. Ugh. My husband. He has decided he wants to be a hardcore gamer and started playing those first person shooter games on the PS3. It started with some war game but he couldn't handle the seargent yelling at him calling him a "Mother fucking pussy". So he started yelling back at the game, jokingly at first then it became serious. Then the threw the remote. So I told him to get a new game. He moved on to zombies. But soon he couldn't get past the "boss" fights and would curse and yell at the game again, throwing the remote. Then it was futuristic cyborgs, now it's some game with bloody spirits and I don't even know because I tuned it out. Until he yells profanities at the top of his lungs at midnight, throwing the remote and waking the kids. I may have to intervene soon and take away the PS3. If you can't play nice, you can't play at all. Now shut the fuck up so I can kill things in World of Warcraft and yell at the other players because they are stupid assholes.

5. I ran away from home two weeks ago. A girlfriend of mine invited me to the beach for the night and I jumped at the chance. And there happens to be a casino at the beach as well. Oh darn. I got all dressed up. Ok, I got all whored up. I wore her clothes (not saying my friend is a whore.... well.... maybe a little) and I was so freakin' excited because her clothes are two sizes smaller then mine. And I looked good. And I felt good.

Me, whored up. Don't judge. I haven't been a whore in a while. Felt good.

It was just what I needed. I needed a night to be myself again and not mommy, or wifey. And so what if I'm a total whore when I'm not mommy or wifey. It pulled me completely out of my funk and made me somewhat happier then I've been in a while. Didn't end all the exhaustion. Didn't end the frustration. Just helped me deal with it all so much better. I need more whore days. It felt good to be looked at, and flirted with and just freakin' smiled at. I didn't want to cheat on my husband, I didn't want to forget I was married. I just wanted to feel good about myself again. So when I say I'm a whore--I'm a total whore for my self-esteem.

There was so much more on my mind lately but right now I can't think about any more. I need to make better notes. I need to put another notepad and pen next to my bedside because that's when the ideas pop into my head, when I'm laying in bed at 2am trying to fall asleep. Maybe if I do that then I'll be more inclined to write more and keep my new found promise. Or I may just take this:

courtesy of: fukitol.com