It Just Got Real

I've been writing nonsense for days now. And I have another nonsense post in the queue now. But I'm forgoing that to write a completely honest post. I'm about to get real--the kind of real that you only get with your best friend (who still hasn't watched Sense and Sensibility!) and the others closest to you.

Yes. It's time to talk about... S.E.X.

*cue in Salt-N-Pepa*


Sex has been a hot topic in my house recently. And by hot I mean, my husband and I both get really pissed off when it gets brought up. And by recently I mean, it's nothing new, it's an ongoing argument since FOREVER.

Here's how it starts:

Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: Nope.
Him: Why did you say it like that?
Me: Say it like what? I just said no.
Him: But you said it like your disgusted.
Me: The answer no is always disgusting to you. I said no. Leave it at that.
Him: But you always say no. Haven't we been getting along good? I did <enter good deed for the week> like you asked?
Me: I don't feel like it. End of discussion.

But that is never the end of the discussion. He starts getting upset because he's been turned down. I start getting upset because he won't just take a simple no for an answer. And the cycle starts.

See, I do this with my kids. Not that I'm comparing my husband to my kids but.. ok, yes I am. I wage a person's maturity on how they handle the word no. If you are going to whine and cry and be pissy about it, I'm going to remember that the next time. If you are going to say, "OK." and walk away, that gains a lot of merit with me. Sure, I know you're upset and I can accept that but if you are going to be a freakin' baby about it, I refuse to accept it.

This is what happens when my husband hears no. He becomes a whiney baby about it. Sex is something he needs. He can't live in a marriage without it. Can't I just forget about the other stuff that is preventing me from wanting to have sex and just do it?

Other stuff = disrespect, ignorance, absence, immaturity, and laziness.

Um, no. I can't just "forget" the other stuff.

We have been through hell in our marriage. I was on the brink of divorce. I was shopping lawyers and looking for other living options. I had the apartment picked out, the schools my kids would go to and the potentional jobs I would apply for. I was serious about it.  But that was 3 years ago. I stayed and we mended a lot of things that were wrong.

Unfortunately, our sex life is still trying to mend. I don't see him the same anymore. The pain he caused me is very difficult for me to overcome. I love him as a person. I think he is a good father, a good man, and sometimes very fun to be around. But that pain is still there. I don't love him as I did before. There is no romantic love. It brings tears to my eyes saying that but it's true. My heart doesn't flutter when he comes home. His phone calls and/or texts don't bring a smile to my face. I have zero desire to have sex with him.

Have I lost my desire for sex? Um... no. It's still there. And sometimes it gets overwelming... and that's all I'm going to say about that... uh, hum.

My labido is a tricky thing. Because say if I was able to overlook the other stuff, my own sexual need can probably make me blind to it. Because orgasms can make anything better. Am I right? Let's pretend all that "other stuff" is gone. Suddenly, I have the perfect husband in front of me who looks like Adam Levine and treats me like a princess. I could let this labido of mine out of the cage right?

No. I can't. Because that cage is made of bulletproof steel made up of insecurities and extreme body issues. Honestly, this is what I feel I look like:

Fat, scaley, and very very mean!

How can I feel sexy when I look like that? Or at least think I look like that? Sex? No thank you. Cheeseburger? Hell yea! I just... I can't. I don't want to have sex looking like that. I shutter to think of myself under (or on top of) anyone when I feel like I could suffocate them with my belly.

I am doomed. I know I am all screwed up in my brain when it comes to sex. And I'm terrified that it's too far into my life to change my thinking. I have to be completely honest with myself... will it ever change? I've given my husband examples why I don't want to (I'll keep those to myself, thank you!) and what if he actually changes those things I found so unattractive. And what if I suddenly lose 60 pounds and feel amazing, look amazing and I won't feel like Mama Therazane up there but more:



Sexy, fierce, very very agile!

I'll be smokin' hot, he'll be virtually perfect... will I want to have sex even then??

Honestly... I need to know... will I?