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| "You are a terrible mother. Just awful." --I don't think Simon actually said this but I imagine he would say it to me had he seen my performance this week! |
This isn't going to be a proper post. It's long and emotional and it is just me venting because I need to vent! Ugh.
Why does being a mom suck? I will give you two reasons. One: You screw up. And when you screw up you just know you are screwing your kid up too. Two: There is no break. None. If you are sick, tired, or just need time off, the world around you crumbles to the ground.
Here's what happened:
Since the kids returned to school after the winter break it's been a rough start. Kids are tired, I'm tired and no one wants to do anything. Because let's face it, sleeping in, having fun all day, doing no work is way more fun then waking up at the buttcrack of dawn, rushing around for an hour to get everyone dressed and out the door. And then there's the after-school routine where the kids have homework. That is where the power struggle starts. And this is where my story begins. Since Tuesday of last week, I have argued with my daughter every day after school to get her homework done. I've been riddled with excuses:
I'm hungry.
I'm thirsty.
My stomach hurts.
I'm really tired.
Can't I just do it later?
(and the best and most accurate) I don't want to!
Everyday I fought with her to the point where I physically made her sit at the table, hovered over her for the 20 minutes or so it takes to do her homework. Usually it's just reading but once in a while she gets worksheets to do. She is only in 2nd grade after all, it's not much. And 20 minutes is not that long. It's 20 freakin' minutes!
Now, I don't know if it's because it was the first week back at school or what but my daughter has been in bitch mode all week. Her attitude has been awful, her mouth runs off and it take every ounce of self-control not to slap her in that smart-ass little mouth of hers. Judge me if you want, but if you grew up like I did, you know you got slapped for talking back to your parents. I want to slap her, slap that smug look off that sweet--and evil--little face. But I don't. Because it's not good to hit, teaches them it's ok to hit, blah blah blah. Whatever, I wanted to slap her, I didn't. So there.
Four days I maintained this struggle. Not to mention the three months before the winter break we went through this. My daughter knows she has to do her homework when she gets home.
Ok. So... the other day, the back-to-school week wreaked havoc on me too and I was feeling horrible. I needed a day off. So, I kind of took one. I did the things I had to to take care of my kids' basic needs but I checked out otherwise. It needed to happen. The next morning, while I wasn't feeling 100% I felt better. I got up when my alarm went off--didn't even hit the snooze once--got my daughter up and we began our morning routine. I wanted to ignore her morning rantings because this day it was more then usual:
"I don't want to wear this."
"Can't I wear my boots? You never let me where my boots."
"We don't mess around before school. We eat breakfast and head straight to class. You're not there mommy, how do you know?" (This is in response to the neighbor calling me and informing me that she is going to drop our daughters off later then usual because they have been caught screwing about before the bell. They usually get dropped off early enough so they could eat breakfast but were discovered running around "dilly-dallying" before the bell.)
Then my son wakes up and comes down the stairs. He goes to school later so I usually try to let him sleep in some. Never happens but I try everyday. Anyway, he comes down and my daughter says in her bitchy tone, "Your chicken is up. Might as well go snuggle with him now because you love him more then me."
I don't play favorites with my kids. I'm very mindful of those kinds of things. But I know in my daughter's little 7 year old mind, she sees me snuggle with my son--who, by the way, is a great snuggler because he actually sits still and let's me hug on him--and gets upset I don't snuggle with her like that. Well, truth be told, and I told her this, I don't snuggle with her like that because she can't sit still. She is the most wiggly kid that I know. So snuggling with her is very difficult. She gets to do things that he doesn't but of course she's blind to those things.
That comment upset me, I started seething at her but I was going to just grin and bear it because she was going to be out the door in less then 10 minutes and all will be forgotten by 2:15 that afternoon. Jacket on, backback on her back, she was three minutes from leaving when she says to me, "Oh, mommy! I forgot! I have homework I didn't do. I have a spelling test today." Tears were automatically in her eyes, horror on her face. My seething turned into Defcon 10. My volume level reached top capacity. "Are you kidding me? You tell me this now right before you walk out the door?" There might have been a few f-bombs in there as well. Told you, DEFCON 10.
Her response? "You were mad at me yesterday because we misbehaved in the store and I didn't want to bug you."
All hell broke loose then. Satan took me over, the horns sprouted, eyes turned red and I started screaming bloody murder at her. And of course her daddy had to step in and take her side fueling her tantrum that was equalling mine. I finally threw my hands in the air and said, "Fuck it, I don't care. You take care of it." and ran up to my room and slammed my door.
This is where the shame spiral starts. I'm not ashamed of getting angry with her. She deserved it. She knows that we do homework everyday when we get home but because I was having a bad day, she took advantage of it and decided playing was more important. And then for her to blame me? No, no, no. Her homework. Her fault.
I can hear the nay-sayers now. "But she's only 7." (Nay-sayer being my husband at the time of the incident). "You can't expect her to know what to do all the time? She's only 7 for God's sake."
My daughter is no ordinary 7-year-old. She is smarter and brighter then most 7 year olds. She knows right and wrong. I know I expect a lot out of her but I feel that what I expect is doable. I excuse her on a lot of things because she is only 7. But this, I can't excuse her on. If she doesn't learn to do her homework now like she should, it's going to be more difficult as the years progress. What's going to happen when she gets to jr. high and high school? Still make excuses for doing homework? No, not having it.
Like I said, this is where the shame spiral started. After I cooled off, I realized I lost my temper and probably shouldn't have yelled as loud and as much as I did. And I definately should not have cursed. I can't take it back. The damage is done and that kills me. But on the other hand, if I have a bad day, or am sick or whatever and I don't ride her ass like I should about getting her work done, this incident shouldn't happen. I can't have a day off because all hell breaks loose around me. How fair is that? And if I want a break, I have to prepare days in advance so that everything around me that I work so hard to keep in motion doesn't fall apart. If I had a "real" job and I called in sick, the company wouldn't fall apart. Work would still get done. Someone would get called in to fill in or whatever. No, not here. I'm sick, NOTHING gets done. Ugh, it is so not fair!
So where does this all leave me?
1. I have a too smart for her own good daughter who has a severe attitude problem. But I love the shit out of her so I will continue to deal with it and hope maybe, just maybe it gets better. (Yea, right.)
2. I have probably screwed her up beyond repair and she will always remember me yelling at her, "Are you fucking kidding me! What is wrong with you!" *shutter*
3. I can't have a bad day and get away with it. I don't have anyone to step in when/if I need it. My husband works graveyard so having him lose out on sleep or call in sick is impossible.
Like I said, being a mom sucks.
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