Haters

I'm in a very delicate place as I write this. I came to a huge realization about myself and the people in my life. Specifically the haters.

Quoted directly from urbandictionary.com: "Jelious ass people who can't stand to see someone doing better then them or see that someone has something goin for them and they dont!!!!! thats when they start to hate on u!!!"

Ok, the grammar and use of language alone turns me into a hater, but I won't go there. The point I wanted to make was the haters in my life are the ones who can't stand to see me doing something good for myself, so they come up with ways to prevent me from doing those good things. Their reasons could be jealousy, fear, or just plain hatred--their reasons are their own. But... I mean... come on!

I'll start with the cloaked hater. This comes in the form of that loving, nurturing group called my family. And by that, I mean mom, dad and brother. These are the people I grew up with, who love me no matter what. That's why I say they are cloaked--their are undercover haters.

All the good ol' days. NOT! I never remember us walking like this as a family.

My parents and I have a very complex and interesting relationship. On my mom's side, I believe it's a "I love my daughter, I'd do anything for her as long as it doesn't interfere with my work or make my husband mad." My dad is more like "I will tell her to do everything better because that's what I do but I won't get off my ass to make it better. I'd rather lecture her about politics and her kids from my recliner here on this island."  And my brother, oh he's a tricky one! "My sister... I love her. But I don't want to spend that much time with her."

To be completely fair, I have to say I'm probably exaggerating a bit here. I know my family loves me unconditionally. I love them too. I will do anything for my mother--I think she's an amazingly patient and loving woman. I will do anything for my brother--I seriously believe he hung the moon... seriously... HE HUNG THE MOON. For my dad... well... I'd do most anything. (long story!) He's my dad (techinally step-dad but he's been my dad most my life) and I love him but he always has been and always will be that holier then thou type.

So why are these wonderful people haters? Because, whenever I would announce I was going to do something to better my life--get a job, lose weight, go back to school--they have always laughed and said in a very dismissive way, "Yea, ok." ha ha ha  "Good luck." There has never been any support or help from them. And that has always left me with the feeling of, well, if my family doesn't think I could do it, I probably can't. That mentality has stuck with me my whole life. That's probably why I'm not a super successful whatever because my family have never been the supportive type. My parents couldn't care less when I quit college. They couldn't care less when I made stupid mistakes and got myself into trouble. It's always been a "she'll learn" mentality with them. I see that in my brother now because he's the same way. He is very much "I'll help if she asks, but I'm not going to offer."

Does that make my family haters? No, probably not in the literal sense (not the urban dictionary sense). I know they love me but I just wish they could support me. 

I tell ya... it's a lesson learned for me though! I will support and encourage my children to do whatever they want. I don't care if I'm paying for piano lessons one month and tap lessons the next. I will do what it takes to help them find their thing.


The second kind of hater is a tricky one. It's a friend. Not a close friend. But a friend none-the-less. She is super peppy--the cheerleader type. And I adore her.

Rah! Rah! Rah! Get it done!

She makes up for the lack of support from my family. Seriously, this girl has so much pep in her, she probably makes up for the lack of support in a lot of families. She is a go-getter, a doer. This girl gets her shit done.

So why is she a hater? Simply put: You don't do, you suck. She will lecture you for hours on end if you make an excuse for something. Excuses are unexceptable to her. And if you make up an excuse--real or not--she will write you off for days. She doesn't deal with failure.

I will probably always have a friend like this in my life. I need a friend like this. And when she's hating on me (like this moment... ugh) I feel horrible and small. It's almost masochistic. I need it. Neeeeeeeeeeedddd  iiiittttttttttt.......


This brings me to the third kind of hater. The worst kind. The kind that is dragging me down every day. And the worst part of it, he doesn't do it consciously.

*Sigh*

I recently joined a gym and was super motivated to work out, get into shape and get my life back. I was tired of being a depressed zombie, roaming about my house moaning and crying about stupid stuff. I knew that a little exercise could do nothing but help. My husband and I decided to join together. He's been wanting to exercise as well and we thought it would be beneficial to both of us, not to mention show our kids that we care about health and exercise too instead of shoving it down their throats. Lead by example, you know?

So, the first time I went to the gym the husband was happy to stay at home, watch the little ones. Or so he said. I was gone a little over an hour and I got home to a ration of crap because I was gone "too long". Both kids were home sick from school but they were not doing anything so I figured it wasn't a big deal if I took my time. And it shouldn't have been a big deal.  That afternoon, my son's ear infection resulted in a ruptured ear drum, I had to rush him to urgent care, which meant my sick daughter had to stay home with her dad. That he had no problem with even though I was gone almost 3 hours.

The next time I decided to go we got into an argument. I left angry. I came home angry but he was super apologetic. So I let it slide.  Today, I mentioned going to the gym again and guess what? He was suddenly too tired to stay awake to watch the kids, he gave me a ration of excuses for me not to go (one being I still have one sick kid). I swear, he has the guilt skills of a Catholic grandmother! So I didn't go, he went to bed and I'm left here feeling crappy.

So why is he a hater? I think... and I believe it to be true because he has mentioned this before--he doesn't want me to go to the gym. He doesn't want me to lose weight and look and feel better. Because if I look and feel better, I will leave him. Because every fat girlfriend he's ever had did that. They lost weight, felt better about themselves and left him. So because all those crazy bitches did that, I must be doing it too. Nevermind the 10 years we've spent together. Nevermind the two kids we created and are raising together. Nevermind all that. I was just biding my time to hit the gym and leave him.  He doesn't want me to be better because if I was I wouldn't need him as much and then where would he be? So instead he will do everything in his power to hate on me whenever I mention going to the gym. Or going on a diet... don't even get me started on that! He sabotages that before it even starts. I mention diet and suddenly they are more chips and cookies and crackers on the counter.

I am defenseless against it. I don't want to argue and I refuse to be the nagging wife.

But today, I after he went to bed I had a revelation.

I am NOT going to let these people keep me down. I am going to do something for myself and I am going to get it done. I'm not going to use my unsupportive family as an excuse. I'm not going to use the shame of failure from cheerleader friend as an excuse. And I sure as hell am not going to use a little argument and my husband's insecurity as an excuse. I'm getting my shit done.

I'm going to be a doer. I refuse to be sent to the yellow bench ever again.*

*The story with the yellow bench: In middle school there was a yellow bench in front of the principal's office. The school's big thing was "Be a Doer" which was a cheap and easy way of saying the same thing my kids' school says "Be Safe, Respectful and Responsible".  Well, at my middle school, if you were caught not being a doer, you got sent to the yellow bench. For the past 25 years, I will always associate the yellow bench as a cruel and humiliating punishment to failure. It was in the middle of the school yard and if you were there, your friends--and the whole school--could see and laugh and make fun of you. We would laugh at those kids on the yellow bench, "Ha ha! You aren't a doer!" I still shutter when I think of it.

Thanks for that

Thankgiving. The day to give thanks. At a time in my life when rock bottom and I are well aquainted, I thought I'd lift my head up and thank the people--and things--that make my life worth living.

1. The internet. Where would I be without you? Probably hiding in a corner in my room curled into a ball humming "It's a Small World". You keep my mind occupied with random bull shit preventing me from dwelling too long on the crap that put me and rock bottom into this intimate relationship.

2. Coffee. How do I love thee, let me count the ways. Do I need to state a reason? I mean, come on, it's coffee!

3. Mirrors. Well, mirrors and my mother to be exact. Or maybe I should be thanking Selena for this post . This is a new development in my life but I feel I should be thankful for it. I read that post and got a wonderful visit from my mom at the same time. It was like a slap in the face that I needed. Note: My mom is not fat by any means but she is almost 60. I am only 37. I don't think I should look like a 60 year old. Just sayin'.

4. Adam Levine. You knew I'd go there.

Gratutious Adam Levine picture. I've got a million of them!

 But I also wanted to thank a wonderful artist whom I have grown to love so freakin' much--Matt Nathanson. His songwriting speaks to me in so many different ways. I love how he's kinda dirty in a very cloaked way, but most his lyrics are so raw and real and how he sings them you believe he's been there. Really, honestly, give him a listen. (p.s. this vid is my favorite song of his... well current favorite anyway!)



5. Kids. No, not my kids, are you kidding me? They are the spawn of Satan! Ok, no really. I am thankful for my kids, despite the devil red that pulses through them. I may lose my freakin' mind dealing with them everyday and I seriously believe they have a secret pact going to see which one of them will deliver the final straw that breaks my sanity and send me to the looney bin. But through all their demon child antics, there are those moments when one of them will sit next to me on the couch, rest his or her head on my arm and whispers in the sweet angelic (fake, but who cares) voice, "Mommy, I love you." I may be completely screwing them up but at least they love me. And for that, I'm grateful.

6 & 7. My friends. You know who you are. You sent out a lifeline to me and invited me to "Twilight Tuesdays" that got me out of my house at least once a week. And you weathered through my internal--and totally inappropriate--moans for Robert Pattinson and that totally hot boy whom I will forever call Tater to remind myself that no matter how pretty his mouth is and no matter how grown-up that body is, he is WAY too young for me to look at any way except with the hope that my daughter will someday grow up and meet a nice looking young man like him. Uh hum. And you. You also patiently waiting for me to open back up to you, after I carelessly refused to return your concerned phone calls. Three weeks passed and you diligently called me everyday just to say hi even though I didn't call back once. And when we did reconnect there was no judgement from you, just a "It's ok, I completely understand." Most women would have written me off, but not you. You held on like a real friend.

8. My best friend. I have best friends (see above) and then I have a best friend. How did I say it when I was younger? I had "local" best friends and then I had my "world" best friend. Well, I'm saying thank you to my "world" best friend. When I am on a crazy roller coaster and I'm trying to deal with money issues, or family drama, or kid drama, or just my own emotional being, I'm screaming my head off with my eyes closed waiting for it to end. And when it does, I open my eyes and I find out you were on the same crazy roller coaster--we just both had our eyes closed and didn't realize we were right next to each other the whole ride. So many times, for so many reasons I board that ride with my eyes open, begging you to help me through the climbs and falls and you do so willingly. One little phrase always makes me realize why you are my best friend: "Do you want me to give you the nice bullshit answer or the real one?"  Thank you for that and for so many more reasons I can't even begin to list.

9. I already thanked the internet but I want to end this post with a thank you to words, written words. Without written words I wouln't be able to express myself clearly. Sometimes the words I want to say get lost on the route from my brain to my mouth. But the route from my brain to my hands is much clearer. And I'm extremely thankful for knowing I can come here and write whatever randomness I have going on inside my head, whether people read it or not, it's ok. At least I have my outlet. It's not beautiful lyrics, or a prize winning novel, or even a widely read and acknowledged blog--and I'm ok with that. At least it's here, waiting for these written words to be poured out into it's hungry, blank belly.

Thank you.

Not For Dudes. I warned you!

Yes, this is not for the dude, or the dude minded (not that any men read this--at least I don't think so. I should never assume I guess.).

I'm going to talk about my period. Well, not mine specifically. Maybe just periods in general.

You see, I need to infuse a little humor into my life because I've been down in the dumps for so long and I'm trying to pull myself out of the hole.

Not attractive photo. Was going to make the hole brown but then it would look like I was sinking in shit.
Which I guess would be appropriate.

Anyway. being depressed and being on my period just feels like the whole world is out to get me.

Deceitful little thing it's it? Looks so happy, so healthy. I hate her.

So, to laugh at myself and the millions of other women I thought I'd write down the fun euphemisms I found regarding that time of the month. But I found when you google some things you tend to get something else. Did I really want to know what movie scenes guys associate the period to? Example: The elevator scene in The Shining or Stephan King's Carrie (not putting a clip of that movie--it disturbs me too much) or my personal favorite, vampire death on True Blood. Do guys really think that's what it's like?

My guess--and it's an educated one being married and having a dad, older brother, and many guy friends--is YES, that's exactly what they think.  And they would be right... that is exactly what it's like. Or at least that's what it feels like at times.

So, before I googled I wrote down the euphemisms that I use all the time:

Time of the month
Aunt Flo
Don't touch me, don't talk to me, don't look at me for the next week.

These are the ones I know of but rarely use because I can't pull off the wit of most of these sayings (or find the appropriate time to say them)

Surfing the crimson wave (Clueless... love it!)
On the rag (hate this one)
Game day for the Crimson Tide
Waving the Commi flag
Trolling for vampires
Chumming the waters (my husbands personal favorite--used it a lot while we were in Florida)


After a sucessful google search, I learned these new ones that made me snort my coffee out of my nose:

Massacre at the Y
Miss Scarlet as come home to Tara
High tide at the red river
Riding the cotton pony
Red Skeleton has dropped by
Embracing my moon time


Oh, and my favorite scene about periods? Just had to share this because it made me giggle. And I love Ashton Kutcher... especially in this movie. "No Strings Attached". Even the title illicits period thoughts.

I mean, come on! Who wouldn't want a totally cute guy bringing you cupcakes--especially red velvet cupcakes (another euphemism?)--while you are on your period. And make you a mixed tape, er... CD. And the best line--'There's, like, a crime scene in my pants'.

I'm going to embrace my moon time and be grateful I'm not pregnant. *shudder* That's the silver--crimson--lining in it all.

Venting like Old Faithful

I have about 5 minutes to write this but I just HAVE to write this because it's really bothering me.

As you might have heard, Kim Kardashian filed for divorce after 72 days of marriage. If you haven't where the hell have you been??? Anyway, it's obviously not the first "celebrity" wedding that's ended so quickly but for some reason it hit a nerve with me.

Probably because I've been struggling to make things work with my marriage. Whether that's the point or beside it, I've got something to say.

The term "irreconcilable differences" kind of pisses me off. I know that is one of the most popular reasons why people get divorced. To me, the only irreconcilable differences in a marriage are:

Abuse (sexual, physical, emotional)
Sexual preference
Sexual perversion

I know those are very broad but I think it's pretty obvious. "Sexual preference" mostly means "Oops, I lied, I'm really gay". Which I think I would have hit the jackpot if I got a gay husband, but whatever... And "sexual perversion" is not "Oh, he wanted to tie me to the bed and tickle me with the feather before we made love and I just wasn't into that kinky stuff." It's more of a "I found a huge stash of kiddie porn on his computer and I'm sending his perverted ass to jail."

But lets get back to what I'm originally so livid about: irreconcilable differences. Obviously I do not know what went on in Kim K. and that dude's (last name is Humphries I think?) marriage and I don't pretend to know. But what I do know is that they had a 10million dollar wedding, made 17million off the wedding and they couldn't even give it a go after 2 1/2 months? Really?

The differences between two people are what make a marriage interesting (and frustrating at the same time). Most married people have difference of opinions about things and most married people work their shit out. You made a promise before God and millions of people to love, honor and stay married to each other through good and bad and now you just want to just throw in the towel because of differences?

In my opinion, those differences should have been discussed and resolved BEFORE you said "I do." Do not say "I do" unless you are 100% sure you can handle those things about the other person you can't stand. TRUST ME. Because if they annoy the shit out of you before you're wed, they will annoy you 100 times more after. But that is not a reason to divorce.

I don't know... Like I said, I have no clue what what on in their marriage. I'm trying really hard not to be judgy judgy about them but honestly, if you are going to live your life in the limelight, you need to deal with people like me.

As for me... I heard someone say recently "Be better then reality television." I think I'll just live by that here. I need to be better and let those people deal with the shit they stepped in.

ADDED TO SAY:

I just wanted to say that I do not think their marriage is a "sham" or a "publicity stunt" or whatever else others are saying. That is not where I was going with this. They say they married for love, well good for them but obviously it wasn't enough love to stay together through those differences. And if it was a sham, then it's a pretty elaborate sham that took a lot of brain power and well... I just don't think they are capable of pulling something off so elaborate. JUST MY OPINION.