The Ex Factor--What I Really Wanted To Say

So you read my previous post right?

Well, I have been haunted by past boyfriends. Just when I think I've buried all my past, I realize I didn't bury it, I just covered it up. And all it takes is one comment to bring it all back.

Joking around with Marcy, she made a comment about my ex, Mr. Perfect, being at my wedding. My stomach turned and my heart stopped. The thought of Mr. Perfect at my wedding almost brought me to my knees. Since then he's plagued my thoughts and dreams constantly. Also doesn't help that I've been watching the show "Falling Skies" and I've always thought Noah Wyle looked a lot like Mr. Perfect. (Imagine the fun we had role playing when Mr. Wyle was Dr. Carter on ER...)



Looks so much like Mr. Perfect here... makes my heart beat through my chest.

 Anyway, Mr. Perfect has taken residence in my brain again. Why? I don't understand... why him? I want to scream and cry and yell until he is gone from my psyche. I really don't want him there anymore. He hurt me. He left me. He used me. I never got closure. I never actually said goodbye to him. I left California and didn't tell him. I had to get away from him and leaving without saying anything was the only option I saw. Little did I know it was going to wreak havoc on my emotional being for the next eleven years. I wish I had the balls to tell him goodbye before I got to the point of me running away late in the night. Then maybe I wouldn't be here, questioning why he still consumes me.

Mr. Baseball doesn't consume me and anger me like Mr. Perfect. All I think about it how much I love(d) Mr. Baseball. It's nothing but good feelings.

Mr. Viking? I had to have closure there because I still see him often enough that if I didn't, I'd be a crazy mess. And believe it or not, I actually friended the succubus on Facebook. Don't ask me why... I still despise her but play nice to her face. It's still a dagger to the heart whenever I hear or see news of theirs. She's pregnant. Mr. Viking has bred with the succubus. I wonder what that baby will look like?

'Nuff said.



So why does Mr. Perfect have such a strong hold on me? I think what it is, is that I look at my life now and wonder what it would be like with him. If Mr. Perfect and I were to have kids, would they be like my two little monsters now? Would I be this insecure woman who worries whether I'm a good wife and mother all the time? When I was with Mr. Perfect, I was pretty darn perfect myself. I was in shape, I had a good job, I had energy and drive to do anything and everything. Is that what my life would be like? Mr. and Mrs. Perfect with our perfect kids, living our perfect life, in our perfect house. Is that what I really want?

The answer is no. Hell no. I was "perfect" with Mr. Perfect because I knew he would accept nothing less. My insecurites and fears and doubts were irrelevant. I couldn't express any of those without him freaking out. I was hiding my true self from him, and in turn, from myself.  Do I want those "perfect" children? No. Hell no. I don't think those "perfect" children would have as much fun as my little devils are. I'm raising kids to think on their own, feel things, experience things and I don't think they'd be able to do if they had to be "perfect" all the time too. And I sure as hell could not keep a perfect house. That would be exhausting.

But, I do miss some parts of him. I miss his strength. I miss that even though he was Mr. Perfect, there was a little bit of a nerd under the skin. I miss how my heart would flip flop when I would open my door to see him on my door step. I miss his strong hand resting on my knee whenever we'd go anywhere. I miss those times--although extremely rare--when he's get vulnerable with me and look at me with love in his eyes and smile.

I wish my psyche would just be content with missing those parts instead of longing for them. Even though I am married to John and I love him and will probably never leave him... *sigh*  I feel horrible for longing for someone else. It weighs on me constantly when these feeling pop up again. Which is why I'm writing about them now, hoping by purging myself of these thoughts and feelings I can bury them again and not feel so horrid and lonely for absolutely no reason. I have enough shit to deal with every day then deal with my underlying longings.

What I need to do, what I always do to rid myself of these feelings is remind myself of the bad. Yes, I miss Mr. Perfect's strength. But he was also cold as stone sometime. Unfeeling, unemotional stone. I hated that sometimes. Those vulnerable moments were too far and way too few. He never wanted to commit 100% to me. What the hell was that all about? He kept me on the line for as long as possible, using me and toying with my emotions for so long. Do I want that now? Hell no!

I refuse to be this oozeling again.

 I maybe not be "perfect" but at least I like who I am now. So Mr. Perfect, you can kiss my perfectly imperfect ass.