Sunday, June 17, 2012

Those dirty little D-words.

You know when you haven't talked to an old friend in months, but it really doesn't seem like months until you realize it has been MONTHS. That's how I feel about writing. No, I haven't been "cheating" on my blog and writing other places (unless you count Facebook which is a deceitful whore and sucks all the spare time out of you but good grief I can't get enough) but I honestly don't believe it's been that many months since I've written.

But truth is in the post dates. Shame on me.

So what is possessing me to write today? See title--D-words.

Divorce. Yes, divorce. It's been looming for a while but John and I have been shoving it aside telling each other it's not that bad. But deep inside I knew it was that bad. I'm a big girl though and I kept my big girl panties on and maintained appearances for him and the kids. So what if I was unhappy, everyone else was so I will continue to suck it up. And it was easy to do so because all other aspect of my life were so much better. I felt better, looked better, I was not as bitchy all the time. Exercise endorphins can do that. But whenever it came time to spend anytime with John I was miserable. And even though he refuses to admit it, he was miserable too. How do I know? He would constantly tell me how miserable he was; he wanted more of this, more of that. I don't give him enough affection or attention. I was always mad at him. I didn't love him enough. I didn't love him at all. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah. He complained about so many things that I wasn't doing for him. Oh, but he was happy! I called bullshit.

It all came down to a road trip I took last month. I had freedom for a week. I was not a wife, or a mother and it was amazing. I had so much fun. I had twinges at times where I missed the kids so I would call and then I was quickly reminded by their bickering why exactly I had to get away. And when it came time to talk to John, I got off the phone so fast, you'd think it was on fire. There was absolutely NO twinges with him. During the week, my friend would say, "I miss my husband." or "I can't wait to get home to give my husband a big hug and kiss." I would smile and nod because I know she loves her husband with everything she has. I, of course, did not feel that way. I dreaded going home. And on the car ride home my friend pointed out that my mood got continually worse as we got closer to home. And she was right. I did not want to go home. I had no desire to walk into my house and have to spend any time with John because I knew he would be expecting me to walk in the door and give him a big hug and kiss and declare how much I missed him. That was not going to happen. And it did not happen. And he was upset.

For two days my friends wise words resonated with me. She essentially said, if I've done everything I could to stay married and I still was not happy, why am I staying in the marriage and making myself and John miserable? Then ended with the wisest saying of all, "Shit or get off the pot."

Then, after a day of grocery shopping and a semi-decent lunch out, on the ride home John started telling me about this "hot girl" he would talk to when he took the kids to school. He described her in length to me--at the time I had no idea who he was talking about, none of the mom's I saw were "smokin' hot"--and told me all about her and her life and where she worked, blah blah blah. And while he told me, I was amused. Not angry. Not jealous. Not hurt. And John asked, "Does it bother you that I'm talking about her?" My initial reaction was to laugh. Hell no it didn't bother me. How many times do I talk about how smokin' hot Adam Levine is? Or Robert Pattinson? Or Adam Levine? (might have mentioned him before). I didn't care if he found some other woman hot. He's not blind or dead. It's going to happen. I said to John, "No, doesn't bother me at all?" He was silent for a while then he said, "Don't you think it should?"  My turn to be silent. I was silent the rest of the 10 minutes in the car. 

When we arrived home there was a thickness in the air and we both knew something was looming. After the kids went to play we sat down and started talking. Yes, John, it should bother me that you find someone else "smokin' hot" and it's a local person, completely attainable. But it doesn't. Part of me wanted to say, "Go for it dude!" and give him a high-five. However the main part of me had come to the realization that I did not love him like I should. He is a good father, and when you remove all the relationship bullshit, I actually like him. But you can't remove all the relationship bullshit. That's the stuff that makes me recoil when he touches me. I don't want him hugging, kissing, or telling me he loves me because I DO NOT feel the same. For three years... three very long and difficult years I have tried to get over this repulsion I felt for him but I can't. Too much crap has happened that can't be taken away.

Truth be told, I've seen his ugly side. I've experienced it first hand. He's never been violent to me--minus a few shoves into counters and the washer (that was the best with his parents in the next room)--but he's been violent around me. He's punched quite a few walls in. I can count 5 holes in my walls from his fist or foot, or from some object he's kicked. All which he promised afterward to fixed but never did. And for the record, this has NOT happened in the last 3 years. He's gone to counselling, taken anxiety medication and made great strides to controlling his temper. And he's done an amazing job for it. I give him great kudos for doing that. But I can't forget.

So very amicably without heated words or yelling we decided to seperate. He knows I'm unhappy. And since we made the decision to seperate he's started to see how this probably is the best thing. Hell, even his mother agreed it was the best. I mean, come on! His own mother knew how bad it was! The hard part now is actually doing the seperating. I have to find a job which I haven't had to do in nine years. We decided to have me and the kids stay in the house and he'll move out but financially it's impossible right now. We are working on getting our ducks in a row so we can move forward.

Depression. That's the other D-word. Now the depression has set in. I thought because I have been exercising and managed to be a happier person it wouldn't hit me. I had my "meloncholy" traits under control. But depression doesn't work like that. She's a mean bitch and she will smack you down when you least expect it. My life is changing in a drastic way. I'm going to devestate my kids when I tell them their dad and I are seperating. That thought alone levels me to the ground. I don't want to hurt them and completely change their lives because I'm not happy. How selfish is that? And I can't find a job easily. For one, the job marking sucks ass right now. And I'm going to enter the job force after not working for 9 years when there's college graduates with degrees and some experience who will take the jobs I'll be applying. Who's going to want a woman who can only work certain hours and will probably need time off to tend to a sick kid when they can have some young, single person who can work any shift and not require time off? No one, that's who.

I'm trying to maintain my normal routines but now I feel like I can't depend on John as much as I used to. Every day I would wake up, and go to the gym while John stayed at home with the kids. He works graveyard so he was doing me a good deed by staying awake longer then he normally would so I can work out. But now, I feel guilty if I'm gone any later then 9:30-10am because I know how tired he is. (Not to mention he does it begrudgingly now which doesn't help any). And since we decided on the seperation I have been working out, but I haven't been as satisfied with the work out. I still come home exhausted and sweaty but I feel like I wasn't good enough. I'm disappointing my workout partner, and even though she swears up and down I'm not, I can't help but feel like I am. It's summer so the kids are at home so I have to find things to do for them and it's stressing me the fuck out! If we stay home they bicker all day long and it drives me insane. That bitch depression is seeping into every pore. I'm angry, and sad, and irritable, and cranky. And not to mention the need to sleep is there all the damn time. I've gone 6 months without needing a nap in the middle of the day and all the sudden I feel like if I don't, I'll die. What the hell is that? Oh yea, that bitch depression.

People who have never had to deal with depression don't understand. "Just shake it off." "Work out more, you'll feel better." "Eat better, it's probably because you're eating bad foods."  Well, fuck you all. It has nothing to do with that. I can't just shake it off. I am working out--even going on extra little walks and runs, still NOT helping. And I have been eating good. I'm not eating ice cream, donuts, cake, chocolate, candy, blah blah blah. I'm still eating my healthy food. It's not my food! It it just simply depression.


I know this post is crazy long but I feel like I needed to vent all this. Most of my friends and all of my family do not know about the divorce. No, that's a lie. I told my mom yesterday and I still don't know how she really feels. The shitty part of telling my mom is that I left a huge part of why I was seperating... I don't want to end up in a miserable marriage 20 years from now hating my husband but just hanging in there because I don't want to be alone--like my mom. My dear sweet mom has told me that several times recently. "Yes, you're miserable now, but think of how miserable you'd be alone?" Honestly, I will be so much happier alone then I won't be making anyone else miserable. My kids won't see me fighting with their dad all the time which I'm certain has already done permanant damage to them. They think that's what a marriage is all about. Hell, that's what I thought a marriage was all about watching my mom & dad. It's NOT. I know of three couples right now without even have to think too hard about it that I believe marriage is about. Those three couples love each other no matter what. I see how they are together. Yes, they get mad at each other, feeling stabby even but the love is still strongly evidant and that anger and annoyance never matters.

Oh gosh, I'm just babbling now. But I do believe writing has made me feel better. I apologize for the horrible grammar and spelling of this post. It was all just word vomit but like normal vomit, I feel better now that it's all out.

I will never have to say this again! Oh, who am I kidding,
if I'm going through a divorce I will be saying this all the time.

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