The travesty of it all!

You can know someone for a really long time. And you can think you know everything about that person. Until they say something that rattles you to your core and you question if you even met the real person.

This happened recently. And it's seriously making me question my friendship. I've known my best friend for going on 27 years. And all those years I'd never known that my friend is a closet romantic movie hater. Yes, I said it. She hates those sappy love stories that most women watch all the time, several times over. I'm seriously rethinking my friendship here. It's tough.

At an impasse... what do I do!

It started last year. I went to the theaters and saw Crazy Stupid Love. I loved it. The whole movie was awesome. And bonus, Ryan Gosling took his shirt off. I was explaining to my best friend how good the movie was and urged her to see it. And I believe I dropped the little tidbit about Mr. Gosling, "Oh, he's so hot in this movie. But nothing tops The Notebook."

My friend: "I've never seen it."

I'm pretty sure there was silence for a moment or two... or three. Followed by me "You've never seen The Notebook?!?" Of course it was probably said like "Yooooove neevvvvvver seeeeeeen The Notebook?" ending in that high pitch lilt.

Friend (laughing): Uh, no.

I think I filed it away. To be forgotten. Or maybe I just needed to forget it.

Then it happened again. I was watching The Notebook on television and she called.

Friend: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Oh, watching The Notebook and bawling my eyes out. I think I'm getting my period."
Friend: "Hmph. Yea. Never saw it."
Me: "Yooooove neevvvvvver seeeeeeeen The Notebook?"
Friend (laughing): No, I haven't. I think I already told you that.

Ugh. She tore my heart out. She's never seen the Notebook! And the worst part... she still hasn't seen it. I mean, come on! You are my best friend! The least you can do is watch this damn movie!

My heart still beats rapidly when I see the trailer. I LOVE this movie. I LOVE this book. I LOVE Noah...



Oh Noah, you can row my boat anytime.

So... while I still harbor ill feelings about my friend and her absolute disregard to my feelings in that she still hasn't seen it. At this point I refused to believe that she is a Sappymovie Hater. After all, she has seen Titanic. She has seen all the Twilight movies. She has seen most Julia Roberts movies. Although I'm not certain she's seen Notting Hill. I may have to get on her about that. But still, she's my best friend. My best friend can't be a hater.

And I believed that until last week. Then my world was shattered. In an everyday average conversation between us I mentioned some scene from Sense & Sensibility. I expected her to know what I was talking about. I mean, this is the woman who I can say most movie lines and she knows exactly where they come from. But I mentioned Elinor Dashwood and Mr. Palmer's relationship and I got nothing but dead air. (Ok, to be fair, I never get dead air from her, I'm usually listening to her boys terrorize each other. It's just background noise I've come accustomed to.)

Then she said it.

"Yea. I've never seen it."

Now it was my turn for dead air. (My dead air is my son whining about something and my daughter yelling about something else. It's background noise I've come accustomed to.)

Then she says, "Don't freak out, ok. I can hear it, you're freaking out."

DAMN RIGHT I'M FREAKING OUT! How could you have not seen Sense & Sensibility??  What the hell!! That movie is a classic. A movie almost every women my age, probably older and maybe younger have seen. And you haven't seen it?

I felt my knees go weak. I was scared. I thought the apocolypse was coming. She has never seen Sense & Sensibility.

Now I believed it. She had officially removed all doubt. My friend is a Sappymovie Hater.

SENSE AND SENSIBILITY!!  MY GOD WOMAN! SENSE AND SENSIBILITY!!!

Emma Thompson, Kate Winslet, Hugh Grant, Alan Rickman, Hugh Laurie... Come on! Doesn't get better then this! This movie rips my heart out at the end. I always--and I do mean always--cry at the end... sob like a little baby. No, sob isn't the right word. Bawling my eyes out is much better. Ugly cry... I go into the ugly cry.

My God!!  Sense and Sensibility!!!

I love my best friend. I really, really do. But this has shaken me. Do I really know her? Has she really seen Steel Magnolias? Sure, we can quote the lines but most of the lines have become part of pop culture. "Pink is my signature color."  Next she's going to tell me she's never really seen an episode of Friends.

Really, my friend. Who are you...???

Porn... the really good kind

Porn is defined as television shows, articles, photographs, etc., thought to create or satisfy an excessive desire for something, especially something luxurious. (as per dictionary.com)

My kind of porn appeared on television yesterday. Actual television!

By that, I'm talking Golden Globes.

As like most people who watch porn, I settled into my chair and hoped no one would walk in on me and see me watching. It was almost shameful. But I love it. All of it. And this is my gratutious post about it. Skip if you don't care about this stuff. Because honestly, I care... a lot... almost too much... it's unhealthy really... please don't judge me... ok, judge me, I don't care. I was in heaven.

My afternoon started with the E! channel's coverage. I'm not a huge Ryan Seacrest fan--I'm actually kind of neutral about him--but I am, however a huge Giuliana Rancic fan, I love that woman.

Anyway, the parade of pretty started. And it started with a mother-fucking bang! Early on, to my extreme pleasure this man appeared...

The Adam Levine wearing Tom Ford. *sigh*

I may have mentioned him before. You know, I have a small, tiny, itty bitty crush on him.

I maybe have mentioned him before. I kind of have a small crush on him. Itty bitty really... He looked amazing. Gave me heart palpitations. And what pleased me the most? He almost got into it with Giuliana, she's so nosy and I love it! (click here if you want to see the exchange)

I'll interject here and post the moment with Mr. Levine and my favorite funny man Jimmy Fallon from the actual show. (Have I expressed my love for Jimmy Fallon?) This was my climax moment... you know... that moment. Here's the "money shot" . Uh, hum...

*Need a moment to compose my self*

Much better. Now, I'll move away from the sexy and look at the meat of the Golden Globe red carpet: The dresses. There were so many beautiful women and I ooh'd and aah'd over most of them. But here's my top 6. I wanted to do a top 5, but I couldn't decide which one to leave off, and it's my list so I'm doing six.

6. Zooey Deschanel.

Who's that girl.... who's that girl...
it's Jess!

I've always had my eye on Zooey. Ever since she was in "Almost Famous" I've kind of had a girl crush on her. How could you not love her? She's gorgeous, and quirky, and silly, and seems so sweet. Ok, that said, I was anxious to see her tonight. I always loved the originality of her outfits. And I must say she didn't disappoint. This dress was stunning. I love it, loved all of it. And her nails were so freakin' cute too, they had tiny tuxedos on them! Unfortunately, that's where it ended. Her hair was a mess, her make up was too much, it just pulled the attention from how pretty she really is. Love the dress, disappointed about the overall look.

5. Kate Winslet

So what if she left Jack to freeze in the
frozen Atlantic, she has got it going
on ever since!

Oh, Kate. Kate, Kate, Kate. She just can't get it wrong. I think she is one of the most beautiful actresses in Hollywood today. I think I've seen everyone of her movies and not because I've searched them out, but because her movies are just that good. I fell in love with her in "Sense & Sensibility" (one of my all time favorite movies). I love how she was never ashamed of her curvy body and basically told Hollywood to suck it when they told her she was fat. Bravo, Kate. Anyway, she's on my favorite list because, well, she always is. I love her style. And come on, not many people can pull off a white bottomed gown like this.

4. Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt

They look like wax... seriously.

I know I'm talking about women's gowns but how can I put a picture of Angelina Jolie on here without a picture of Brad next to her? Now, honestly... how can I? I can't find one. They are fused at the hip. They are everywhere together.  It's like the ultimate accessory for each of them--a beautiful counter-part to hold your hand. Angie--yea, I call her Angie--looked flawless as usual. The dress fit her perfectly, like it was poured over her body. And Brad, well, I can't say he's ever been flawed. He's never been my cup of tea (with the exception of "Thelma & Louise" and "Legends of the Fall") but I must say, this man is aging so incredibly well. I think he's better looking today then he ever was. Ok, with the exceptions mentioned before... especially Tristen... oh Tristen.... 

3. Emma Stone

Easy A indeed.

Emma Stone is so funny, and smart and beautiful, it's hard to imagine how young she is. Yes, yes, she's not that young but I have to say in the last 4 or 5 years she's really made a name for herself. Who would have thought the girl who got her nose broken in "Superbad" would grow into this gorgeous woman? She got her nose broken, right? Or teeth knocked out? Oh gosh, I'm going to have to watch that again, aren't I? Darn it! 

2. Charlize Theron

Va-va voom!

Oh Lordy! Can this woman do anything bad? No, I didn't think so. She showed up to this shin-dig sick... and she still looked like a million bucks! Charlize is one of those women who I just stare at and wonder if she's real. She's that beautiful. I even thought so years ago when she was in "That Thing You Do!" as Guy's gorgeous girlfriend Tina--who fell for her dentist. I always love seeing what she shows up in. She could wear a paper bag and make it look good. Just sayin'.

1. Claire Danes

Angela Chase has grown up!

"My So-Called Life."

"Little Women"

"Romeo & Juliet"

"Brokendown Palace"

"Terminator 3"

"Homeland"

I have watched this girl grow up. Hell, I grew up with her. She is the worlds best crier on screen. Her face gets all screwed up, her mouth turns down and she's not afraid of the ugly cry. Her smile is captivating, her sarcasm is fabulous, and she can roll her eyes with the best of them. Claire Danes is my best Hollywood friend. I've always thought that. You know, how we all have that "pretty" friend who when you first look at her she seems prissy and doesn't like to get her hands dirty and then when you get to know her, she's doing shots of whiskey with you, cursing like a sailor and daring you to skinny dip at the beach. I believe that is Claire Danes. (I realize she is probably not like that but I'd rather keep my fantasy). And when she walked onto the red carpet yesterday she took my breath away. I was so proud of my Hollywood best friend. Her dress put all the others to shame. I love the simplicity of the front and the jaw dropping back. And she won! She won for best actress! Homeland is an awesome show. If you have Showtime, I suggest watching it. Seriously, I can't say enough about her.

I have one last thought about the parade of pretty yesterday: where the hell was Ryan Gosling? I mean, come on! He was nominated, he had the opportunity to sit at the same table as George Clooney and he passed it up. What the hell, Ryan? Why didn't you show your fine ass, er... I mean face... your fine face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I need to indulge in my stuff like this so I can forget about the things that stress me out in real life. Money problems, defiant children, absent parents, long distance friends that I want to be so much nearer... all of it sucks and yesterday (and writing this today) gave me a reprieve from all of it. I know all this is fluff but I love it. Fluff is good. Fluff makes me happy. Fluff is my porn.

Expectations

It's an ugly word when it's not met. And it's a beautiful word when it is. Exceptations.

I don't have many. No, honestly, I don't. I have expectations of certain people, but it's not extremely great or, as they say (or as it is shouted at me) insurmountable. Ok, so that word isn't used exactly, but you get what I mean. But insurmountable is an awesome word isn't it? Anywho...  (I kind of hate that word and hate that I just typed it. But I'm leaving it.)

Like I said, my expectations are simple.

I expect my kids to listen to me when I talk to them.

I expect my son to not whine everytime something doesn't go his way.

I expect my daughter to follow-through on something and not lose focus.

I expect my husband to appreciate the fact that I'm not a nagging wife and not take advantage of that.

See... simple expectations.

And then I go out into the real world and I realize my expectations are higher.

I expect the idiot teenagers crossing the street to go to Safeway at lunch to actually cross the street and not linger in the middle of the intersection and hold back traffic. Um, hello! Cars are driving here, they have crosswalks for a reason, so people with road rage like me don't run over your skanky little short shorts wearing asses. Short shorts and leg warmers in 30 degree weather is not acceptable. I expect you little assholes to be smarter then that. But of course I'm not their mom so I'll let those douchcanoes navigate those waters.

Barely appropriate for these girls, definately NOT for anyone in high school

I expect the people who pay for their groceries with WIC checks to do their homework before getting into the checkout aisle. Let me clarify this so I don't get misunderstood. WIC is an amazing program and I do not, I repeat DO NOT judge those needing or using it. I have stood in line behind people using them and while, yes, it's a process sometimes, I have the patience to wait for you if you have the things seperated, checks prepared, etc. because that person did his/her homework--as I expect them to. I do not however have the patience for the person who gets in line and doesn't know what check goes for what, gets the wrong product or whatever. I am standing behind you with two unruly children for 20 minutes while you play this game, you selfish asshole. Take a little consideration and realize you are doing this in the middle of the day, the busy part of the day and the checkers don't have time for your bullshit. At the very least have the balls to look me in the face and say, "I'm sorry this is taking so long."

 I've never used WIC but I'm told there is very specific guidelines--and a book with photos if I'm not mistaken--on what you can and cannot buy. The grocery store checker is not your personal shopper. I don't go to her and say, "I'm making lasagna tonight, what do I need to buy? Oh and I only have this much money. Do it for me." No, no. I make a list, I look for the best deal, I do my homework. Please people, don't fall to the stereotype just because it's easier and depend on other people's generosity. You don't act like someone trying to make it work with a wonderful program, you look like a prissy little princess who wants everything done for her.

I wish we all could be primped and pampered... but we live in the real world y'all.

I expect my coffee from the coffee place to be served to be my the cute barista everytime I'm there. None of this pretty young girl stuff, give me the tall blond guy, with the scruff and the million dollar smile. If I'm paying 4 bucks for coffee then I deserve it with a smile... his smile.

I'm sorry... couldn't resist! Coffee with a smile, indeed!

I expect Walmart to be, well, Walmart. Actually, I have no expectations here. Ok, maybe I do. When I go to Walmart I expect to see someone with no pants or even actual buttcrack . I even expect to see sexy hunk of man and when I don't, I'm disappointed. I love Walmart. Seriously. I expect it to be in all it's wonderment when I shop there.

My last expectation is one I have everyday. And it's frustrating sometimes and most times there is nothing I can do about it. I expect my best friend to answer the phone when I call. There, I said it. I'm calling, dammit, why aren't you answering? I know she has spy cameras around my house because there are times she'll call me when she knows I'm getting the phone to call her. She calls me and tell me something her daughter did when she knows full well from her spy cameras that my daughter did the same thing.

This is what her spy cameras look like. They hang out on the fence in front of my house and watch me.
I wish it weren't true but it is... creepy, scary crows with their all seeing eyes. *shiver*

 Is it so wrong that I expect her to call me when she sees I'm about to take a very long walk off a very short bridge? It's like a distress signal, "Oh no! Leslie needs help! I better call her!"

I wish it was this easy--and she was close enough to see it!

I doesn't work all the time and I know she has things she's dealing with too but dammit, answer the damn phone when I call. Sheesh. (I'm being totally facetious here, I hope she, and everyone else knows that!)

Exception met--YAY!

Exception not met--beware, I'm carrying a widdled down spork and I just may shiv you.

Being a Mom sucks!

Yes. I said it. It sucks. Motherhood sucks! And I am a sucky mother.

"You are a terrible mother. Just awful." --I don't think Simon actually
said this but I imagine he would say it to me had he seen my performance this week!

This isn't going to be a  proper post. It's long and emotional and it is just me venting because I need to vent! Ugh.

Why does being a mom suck? I will give you two reasons. One: You screw up. And when you screw up you just know you are screwing your kid up too. Two: There is no break. None. If you are sick, tired, or just need time off, the world around you crumbles to the ground.

Here's what happened:

Since the kids returned to school after the winter break it's been a rough start. Kids are tired, I'm tired and no one wants to do anything. Because let's face it, sleeping in, having fun all day, doing no work is way more fun then waking up at the buttcrack of dawn, rushing around for an hour to get everyone dressed and out the door. And then there's the after-school routine where the kids have homework. That is where the power struggle starts. And this is where my story begins. Since Tuesday of last week, I have argued with my daughter every day after school to get her homework done. I've been riddled with excuses:
I'm hungry.
I'm thirsty.
My stomach hurts.
I'm really tired.
Can't I just do it later?
(and the best and most accurate) I don't want to!

Everyday I fought with her to the point where I physically made her sit at the table, hovered over her for the 20 minutes or so it takes to do her homework. Usually it's just reading but once in a while she gets worksheets to do. She is only in 2nd grade after all, it's not much. And 20 minutes is not that long. It's 20 freakin' minutes!

Now, I don't know if it's because it was the first week back at school or what but my daughter has been in bitch mode all week. Her attitude has been awful, her mouth runs off and it take every ounce of self-control not to slap her in that smart-ass little mouth of hers. Judge me if you want, but if you grew up like I did, you know you got slapped for talking back to your parents. I want to slap her, slap that smug look off that sweet--and evil--little face. But I don't. Because it's not good to hit, teaches them it's ok to hit, blah blah blah. Whatever, I wanted to slap her, I didn't. So there.

Four days I maintained this struggle. Not to mention the three months before the winter break we went through this. My daughter knows she has to do her homework when she gets home.

Ok. So... the other day, the back-to-school week wreaked havoc on me too and I was feeling horrible. I needed a day off. So, I kind of took one. I did the things I had to to take care of my kids' basic needs but I checked out otherwise. It needed to happen. The next morning, while I wasn't feeling 100% I felt better. I got up when my alarm went off--didn't even hit the snooze once--got my daughter up and we began our morning routine. I wanted to ignore her morning rantings because this day it was more then usual:
"I don't want to wear this."
"Can't I wear my boots? You never let me where my boots."
"We don't mess around before school. We eat breakfast and head straight to class. You're not there mommy, how do you know?" (This is in response to the neighbor calling me and informing me that she is going to drop our daughters off later then usual because they have been caught screwing about before the bell. They usually get dropped off early enough so they could eat breakfast but were discovered running around "dilly-dallying" before the bell.)

Then my son wakes up and comes down the stairs. He goes to school later so I usually try to let him sleep in some. Never happens but I try everyday. Anyway, he comes down and my daughter says in her bitchy tone, "Your chicken is up. Might as well go snuggle with him now because you love him more then me."

I don't play favorites with my kids. I'm very mindful of those kinds of things. But I know in my daughter's little 7 year old mind, she sees me snuggle with my son--who, by the way, is a great snuggler because he actually sits still and let's me hug on him--and gets upset I don't snuggle with her like that. Well, truth be told, and I told her this, I don't snuggle with her like that because she can't sit still. She is the most wiggly kid that I know. So snuggling with her is very difficult. She gets to do things that he doesn't but of course she's blind to those things.

That comment upset me, I started seething at her but I was going to just grin and bear it because she was going to be out the door in less then 10 minutes and all will be forgotten by 2:15 that afternoon. Jacket on, backback on her back, she was three minutes from leaving when she says to me, "Oh, mommy! I forgot! I have homework I didn't do. I have a spelling test today." Tears were automatically in her eyes, horror on her face. My seething turned into Defcon 10. My volume level reached top capacity. "Are you kidding me? You tell me this now right before you walk out the door?" There might have been a few f-bombs in there as well. Told you, DEFCON 10.

Her response? "You were mad at me yesterday because we misbehaved in the store and I didn't want to bug you."

All hell broke loose then. Satan took me over, the horns sprouted, eyes turned red and I started screaming bloody murder at her. And of course her daddy had to step in and take her side fueling her tantrum that was equalling mine. I finally threw my hands in the air and said, "Fuck it, I don't care. You take care of it." and ran up to my room and slammed my door.

This is where the shame spiral starts. I'm not ashamed of getting angry with her. She deserved it. She knows that we do homework everyday when we get home but because I was having a bad day, she took advantage of it and decided playing was more important. And then for her to blame me? No, no, no. Her homework. Her fault.

I can hear the nay-sayers now. "But she's only 7." (Nay-sayer being my husband at the time of the incident). "You can't expect her to know what to do all the time? She's only 7 for God's sake."

My daughter is no ordinary 7-year-old. She is smarter and brighter then most 7 year olds. She knows right and wrong. I know I expect a lot out of her but I feel that what I expect is doable. I excuse her on a lot of things because she is only 7. But this, I can't excuse her on. If she doesn't learn to do her homework now like she should, it's going to be more difficult as the years progress. What's going to happen when she gets to jr. high and high school? Still make excuses for doing homework? No, not having it.

Like I said, this is where the shame spiral started. After I cooled off, I realized I lost my temper and probably shouldn't have yelled as loud and as much as I did. And I definately should not have cursed. I can't take it back. The damage is done and that kills me. But on the other hand, if I have a bad day, or am sick or whatever and I don't ride her ass like I should about getting her work done, this incident shouldn't happen. I can't have a day off because all hell breaks loose around me. How fair is that? And if I want a break, I have to prepare days in advance so that everything around me that I work so hard to keep in motion doesn't fall apart. If I had a "real" job and I called in sick, the company wouldn't fall apart. Work would still get done. Someone would get called in to fill in or whatever. No, not here. I'm sick, NOTHING gets done. Ugh, it is so not fair!

So where does this all leave me?
1. I have a too smart for her own good daughter who has a severe attitude problem. But I love the shit out of her so I will continue to deal with it and hope maybe, just maybe it gets better. (Yea, right.)
2. I have probably screwed her up beyond repair and she will always remember me yelling at her, "Are you fucking kidding me! What is wrong with you!" *shutter*
3. I can't have a bad day and get away with it. I don't have anyone to step in when/if I need it. My husband works graveyard so having him lose out on sleep or call in sick is impossible.

Like I said, being a mom sucks.

Why I Had Kids

Why did I have kids? I mean the real reason... And I'm not talking about the need for family, the love of a child, seeing myself carbon copied so I can live on forever (although that reason is kind of cool).

One of those spawns is bound to be like me. I mean, come on!

 I'm talking about the real reason it's a blessing to have kids.

1. I don't have to get up to get the remote.
     "Hey sissy! Can you get the remote for me!"

2. Laundry sorting is so easy now.
     "Hey kiddo, let's learn colors and sorting!"

3. Feeding the dogs, picking up poop and mowing the lawn myself are a thing of the past.
     "I did it at your age, now you have to."

All those reasons for kids are good, but I have a secret. My real excuse for having kids is that I can go to the theaters and watch kid movies with an actual kid now and not feel like a child predator. And even better, I can sit at home and laugh and laugh and watch certain movies over and over without feeling guilty. "I got this movie for the kids." is always my excuse. Uh huh, yea right.

Here are five movies that I will forever to claim as "for the kids" but honestly, I watch them by myself after they are in bed and giggle for hours... and probably quote daily. Um... there is no probably about it. I quote these movies daily.

Aladdin

To be honest, I saw Aladdin in theaters 20 years ago. (20 years!!!)  I loved it then and kind of forced my kids to love it too--which wasn't that difficult.This was the first kid movie I saw that had so many adult jokes in them. I really think it's one of the first to incorporate adult humor in with the kid fantasy. Of course I don't know that for sure, but this was the first kid movie I saw as a pseudo-adult that I was shocked and delighted see and hear a few jokes I knew would go over a kids' head.

Memorable quotes:
"I don't know where she get's it from. Her mother wasn't nearly so picky."
"I think it's time to say goodbye to Prince A-boo-boo"
Anything the Genie says.
All the songs--my favorite "One Jump Ahead" or as I like to call it, the street rat song. Love singing it at the top of my lungs!

Finding Nemo

I was nursing my very tempermental daughter not too long after she was born and my husband was in Amsterdam living it up, er, I mean training for his new job. My daughter was one of those who stayed up all night and slept all day. And when I say stay up all night, I mean she was awake all night long; crying, whining, eating, pooping. My saving grace was Finding Nemo. It was on heavy rotation on Starz and I would watch it almost every night. I assume the movie absorbed into my daughter's tiny subconscious then because when she saw it when she was older she loved it and still does. Of any other movie on here this one is the most quoted in my house, if it's only Dory's little song about perseverance: just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. We quote this movie all the time.

Memorable quotes: (the ones that get the most use in my house)
"Es-cah-pay! Hey look, it's spelled just like escape."
"To the top of Mount Wanna-hock-a-loogie."
"Bubbles bubbles bubbles"
"I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine."
"Mine." Whoever thought of the seagulls saying this is genius, pure utter genius.

Toy Story Trilogy

I can't just pick one of these movies and say it's better then the others. It's impossible. Each one has it's value and I love them all. When my kids ask to watch any of these, I don't hesitate. The only argument is which one. For a long time after it came out on DVD, Toy Story 3 was something they always watched. And I must say I always watched with them, that movie still makes me cry. But the last month or so they've gotten back into part one and two, much to my happiness. The original Toy Story is classic. When they paired Tom Hanks and Tim Allen--at the height of their careers--they made history. Seriously, love these movies.

Memorable quotes:
"You! Are! A! Toy! You aren't the real Buzz Lightyear! You're an action figure! You're a child's play thing!"
"You are a sad, strange little man."
"You uncultured swine! What are you looking at, you hockey puck?"
"That wasn't flying! That was falling... with style."

"Where'd you get the cool belt Buzz?" "Well, slotted pig, they're standard issue."
"You heard of Kung Fu? Well get ready for pork chop!"
"You callin' me a liar?" "Well, if the boot fits." "Say it again." "If the boot-tuh, fits."
"You really ARE stinky Pete!"
"Look Barbie, and ugly man-doll!" (this gets said a lot)

"We're either in a cafe' in Paris or a coffee shop in New Jersey."
"That Barbie has nice handwriting." "Uh, Buzz, Barbie didn't write this..."
I can't even quote all my favorite parts of the third movie. I love all of it: the interactions with Ken and Barbie, Buzz's spanish mode and every part that I cried (the incinerator, and then Andy saying goodbye). This whole movie was brilliant.
I'm going to have to go watch them all when I'm done here. I need to!

Monsters Vs. Aliens

This is my favorite of the non-Disney animated movies. There are so many good ones (see honorable mentions) but this one is honestly the best--at least I think so. My husband and I took the kids to see this movie in the theaters, in 3D. It was our first 3D movie with the kids (and the last, to be honest. Sheesh, won't do that until they are older!). Being of the generation of Godzilla and other B-movie monsters I got what they were doing with this. I freakin' love this movie. The voices are perfect: Hugh Laurie, Seth Rogen, Reese Witherspoon and Will Arnett. They were all awesome but I believe the reason I love these movies so much are for these three people: Stephen Colbert as the president; Keifer Sutherland as Gen. Monger; Rainn Wilson as Gallaxhar. I love the scene where they are chasing/being chased by the alien robot in San Francisco; even though it was animated the streets were so real. I said at one point, "Hey! I've been there!" Seriously, can't say it enough... I love this movie!

Memorable quotes:
"Hail Gallaxhar."
"That's a good cup of Joe."
"Boys, set the terror level at code brown, cause I need to change my pants."
"The Omega quadrant? Lame."
"So that's how you want to play it? Eat lead alien robot!... Evidently they eat lead.... I'm brave! I'm a brave president!"
Anytime Gallaxhar said "quantonium" or "incinerator"
"I'd cry if I hadn't lost my tear ducts in the war."
"No, we mean you're monster name. What do people scream when they see you coming? 'Look out, here comes...?'" "Susan." "Really" "Suuuuussssaaannn! Oh, I just scared myself. That is scary!" (I'm giggling right now thinking about this scene!)


Honorable Mentions

I feel like I need to mention other movies that I've enjoyed but didn't make my favorite list because in the last 10 years or so, the animation community has really come to realize that adults are watching these movies as much as the kids are and I appreciate all that they do to incorporate adult humor in them. Of the Disney movies, "Tangled" is making heavy rotation right now. "I know not who you are, nor how I came to find you, but may I just say... Hi. How ya doin'?" And then there is "Cars" "Monsters, Inc." "Wall-E" "The Incredibles" and "Up." Of the non-Disney movies, "Despicable Me" is definately a keeper. "Rule number three: You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or sneeze or barf or fart! So no, no, no annoying sounds. All right?"  Others that I've come to regard highly are "Megamind" "Madagascar" "Kung Fu Panda" "Shark Tale" "How to Train a Dragon" and last but certainly not least (comes in a close second to MvA) "Cloudy Chance of Meatballs."

Now I'm going to go watch a movie or two with my children and probably enjoy every second of it.

I've written this post over the last week or so, so I deeply apologize of any grammarical errors (I just made one there, didn't I?) or spelling errors. This stop and go stuff kills me. I'm trying to be organized and maintain a regular posting schedule but it's difficult for me to do that. I'm more of a sit down, release the word vomit and hit post kinda girl.

Keep your eyes and ears forward at all times

My title is bullcrap, you know. At least I know it is. I'm always looking back, learning from mistakes, reminiscing about times past and trying with all my might to forget the things I wish I could change but just can't.

I do that a lot this time of year. Christmas is past and we are on the downhill slope of 2011. So I can't help but think about the things that happened this past year--to learn from, cower from, or enjoy with gay laughter.

I turned 37 this year. Thirty-fucking-seven. As much as I never minded my age, I found my self living in la la land and never accepting the fact that I was in my 30's, let alone my late 30's. But this year, I finally came to terms how old I was. And I'm happily 37 now. I know myself better, I stand up for myself more, and I can now say without cringing, I am thirty-fucking-seven. Suck it!  2011--good.

Me, happily at 37, sporting the "I'm officially in my late 30's still trying to look cool" sunglasses.

My daughter turned 7 this year. Seven. Of course her attitude and mind-set makes her about 16. My daughter is unbelievably smart, extremely clever, has the biggest imagination I've ever encountered in any child, and has so much sass the word diva doesn't quite encapsulate it. She rolls her eyes, sighs loudly and even begun with the sarcasm. I scold her for doing something bad and I get the stink eye, the pursed lips and while she is still looking at me, does that thing I told her to stop doing one more time. And I believe this is just the beginning. 2011--bad.

She thinks she's a princess everyday and should be treated as such.

My son turned 5 this year. Of course because he has such a strong-minded sister he has taken the other, less mature road and decided to whine about everything. He thinks crying about it--what ever it is--will make things go his way. But I dare not say he's totally immature for a 5 year old. He's pretty smart too because if he's crying and I scold him, he stops, looks at me with that sweet "I can do nothing wrong" smile and says "I'm sorry, Mommy." He knows it works because I have allowed it to work. And he knows he got away with it again. He's learning how to manipulate me and doing a great job of it, I just need to try and stay one step ahead of him. 2011--it's a push.

Slays me completely. How can I stay mad at this face?

This year was also the year of the horrific Florida trip. Horrific, as in half horrible, half terrific. I mean, it's Florida for crying out loud, how can I not call that terrific? But scenery and beautiful weather aside is was riddled with in-law bullshit, prejudicial assholes and the realization that I desperately need to do something with my body if I ever want to put on another bathing suit. I swear to you, I was a whale. The dolphins wanted to swim with me, krill ran away from me and I actually understood what Dory was saying in "Finding Nemo"

Since then, I've lost some weight--not a lot but enough to motivate me to lose more. I joined a gym, I fight every week for time at the gym but at least I'm doing it. So, 2011--I'm going to say push.

I saw Maroon 5 in concert this year. Yes, I was within feet from my Adam Levine. Yes... mine. I know he's dating that gorgeous supermodel and he's probably completely head over heels in love with her but that's ok. He just hasn't met me yet, that is all. Uh, hum....  Anyway, this year my best friend and I coined a term to talk about him without saying his name because people (read: husbands) will judge us if we talk about him. He's our peacock. And if you know anything about peacocks... well... I'm sorry Adam... you are a peacock.

PEACOCK!

This year I also met another musical artist whom I've developed an extreme obsession over as well--Matt Nathanson. I think he's wonderful. I think he's a lyrical genius. I think he is funny as hell. Funny how you can listen to someone for a few years and not really get it. I got it this year and I'm thinking I'm not the only one. He's starting to get the recognition he deserves.  So for 2011 and music (i.e. extremely talented, extremely hot guys)--GOOD.

Matty Nay, as I like to call him. GET THIS ALBUM. Trust me, it's awesome. *sigh*

Lastly this deserves it's own paragraph. If you've read me in the past, you know that I do love the show "Friends." I quote it often, almost too often but I can't help it. It's my all time favorite show. For the past 3 years--maybe more--I have asked for the "Friends" series on DVD--the whole series--for Christmas. And every year, either my request went unheard or was disregarded completely because I neglected to get the series. But this year I was adamant about getting it to the point that it became an argument between my husband and I. It went something like this:

Hubs: What do you want for Christmas this year?
Me: Friends
Hubs: You have friends.
Me: No [insert eye roll and under the breath--dumb ass] the tv show Friends.

Silence.

Hubs: So I was thinking about getting you jewelry, what do you want? A necklace or some earrings?
Me: I don't want jewelry. I want Friends.
Hubs: What about that dragonfly pendant? You liked that.
Me: I liked it because it was gaudy and extremely ugly. When I say "Oh my god, that is so awesome" at something so obviously hideous, please refer to the fact that you've known me for 10 years and know that I find novelty in extremely ugly jewelry.
Hubs: So you don't want it?
Me: [sigh] No. I want Friends. Can you just get me what I want?
Hubs. But I want to get you jewelry.
Me: Ok fine. Then I want to get you a pair of ladies, size 9 1/2 Dr. Marten Josie Slouch Tall boots in grey.
Hubs: What are you talking about?
Me: Well, if you are buying me something you want to buy, then I'm going to buy you something I want to buy.
Hubs: Come on, you know what I mean. I won't wear those boots, obviously.
Me: Exactly. I won't wear that dragonfly pendant because it's too fucking ugly. Obviously. Just get me Friends.
Hubs: What the fuck is wrong with you? God! I just wanted to buy my wife jewelry for Christmas. I'm trying to be nice for once.
Me: It would be nice if you actually got me what I wanted. Friends.

OK, so I may have taken literary liberties there but you get the point. And those liberties are very few, let me tell you. And there was probably more swearing. Anyway, after that argument, I stormed upstairs and that night my husband finally did something right... he bought me the Friends complete series on DVD. 2011--GOOD!

So with three goods, two push and one bad, it looks like 2011 is winning. WINNING! You know you said it like I just did...

But now I do need to put my eyes forward and look ahead. I'm going to enter the new year with a few resolutions that I am determined to keep. So much so, I'm writing them down, sending them to cyberdom and hoping that act alone will keep me accountable.

Resolution #1: Couch to 5k  I'm doing it. There is a 5k here on March 18th and that's my goal. I've always wanted to be a runner but I always believed my body didn't allow for running. I've got boobs, you see. Large ones. And it gets uncomfortable to say the least if I run. But now they have wonderful support bras that I have recently purchased so I'm going to give it a try. Maybe by this time next year I'll be a 10k runner, or better.

Resolution #2: Patience. Patience with my kids. Patience with my husband. Patience with the world. You know that song... "If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make that change." I know I can't change the whole world with my own patience, but I can try to change my world. If I don't react badly then maybe the bad things won't happen--or at least get to me as they have before. I'm thinking this one is going to be more difficult then the running because kids and husband aside, there are a lot of stupid people in the world that I get overly angry at. Road rage, store rage, neighbor rage... yea, I got it all because those places are filled to the brim with stupid people! Patience... just a little patience.... (and some deep breaths!)

Resolution #3: Finish my story! Oh my gosh, if I tweak it one more time without finishing it I think I might go crazy! I don't have plans on what to do with the story, maybe I'll send it to one of the e-book publishers and see what I get but for now, it just needs to be finished. For crying out loud, woman! Finish it!

Bring it, 2012... I am ready for you!

Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma'am

Who doesn't love a quicky?

I've been absent for a few weeks for crazy irrational reasons I will most delightfully list for you. And I gotta make it quick.

Reason of absence #1: Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming! And I decided to be a responsible adult and take care of the stuff I usually leave until the day before Christmas. It is late in the evening on December 22nd and I can safely say all my gifts are bought and wrapped. Cookies are made. Christmas cards sent out, and my house is decorated more this year then it ever has. Yay me!

Reason of absence #2: The in-laws. They have invaded my house. And if you have in-laws you know their essence arrives a lot sooner before their bodies. I have scrubbed, mopped, dusted, rearranged, organized and then reorganized the shit out of this house. Only to have it scrutinized incessantly once they--and by they I mean she--got here. It's exhausting being the good wife/mother/daughter-in-law constantly.

Reason of absence #3: See #2 and realize I just can't be the good wife/mother/daughter-in-law 24/7. I have officially gone insane. I'm off my rocker. I may need professional help. Seriously... know a good psychologist?

I'll leave you with the little bit of my Christmas:



My Christmas tree. Oh how I love thee!

The Christmas cookies I made, cut out and baked. The kids and the MIL decorated.
I screwed up the frosting. I got judged. Betty Crocker (I swear that's her other name) fixed it
and then repeatedly reminded me how good the frosting was after she fixed it.

This will be me by Sunday morning....

Merry Christmas everyone!