Why I Had Kids

Why did I have kids? I mean the real reason... And I'm not talking about the need for family, the love of a child, seeing myself carbon copied so I can live on forever (although that reason is kind of cool).

One of those spawns is bound to be like me. I mean, come on!

 I'm talking about the real reason it's a blessing to have kids.

1. I don't have to get up to get the remote.
     "Hey sissy! Can you get the remote for me!"

2. Laundry sorting is so easy now.
     "Hey kiddo, let's learn colors and sorting!"

3. Feeding the dogs, picking up poop and mowing the lawn myself are a thing of the past.
     "I did it at your age, now you have to."

All those reasons for kids are good, but I have a secret. My real excuse for having kids is that I can go to the theaters and watch kid movies with an actual kid now and not feel like a child predator. And even better, I can sit at home and laugh and laugh and watch certain movies over and over without feeling guilty. "I got this movie for the kids." is always my excuse. Uh huh, yea right.

Here are five movies that I will forever to claim as "for the kids" but honestly, I watch them by myself after they are in bed and giggle for hours... and probably quote daily. Um... there is no probably about it. I quote these movies daily.

Aladdin

To be honest, I saw Aladdin in theaters 20 years ago. (20 years!!!)  I loved it then and kind of forced my kids to love it too--which wasn't that difficult.This was the first kid movie I saw that had so many adult jokes in them. I really think it's one of the first to incorporate adult humor in with the kid fantasy. Of course I don't know that for sure, but this was the first kid movie I saw as a pseudo-adult that I was shocked and delighted see and hear a few jokes I knew would go over a kids' head.

Memorable quotes:
"I don't know where she get's it from. Her mother wasn't nearly so picky."
"I think it's time to say goodbye to Prince A-boo-boo"
Anything the Genie says.
All the songs--my favorite "One Jump Ahead" or as I like to call it, the street rat song. Love singing it at the top of my lungs!

Finding Nemo

I was nursing my very tempermental daughter not too long after she was born and my husband was in Amsterdam living it up, er, I mean training for his new job. My daughter was one of those who stayed up all night and slept all day. And when I say stay up all night, I mean she was awake all night long; crying, whining, eating, pooping. My saving grace was Finding Nemo. It was on heavy rotation on Starz and I would watch it almost every night. I assume the movie absorbed into my daughter's tiny subconscious then because when she saw it when she was older she loved it and still does. Of any other movie on here this one is the most quoted in my house, if it's only Dory's little song about perseverance: just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. We quote this movie all the time.

Memorable quotes: (the ones that get the most use in my house)
"Es-cah-pay! Hey look, it's spelled just like escape."
"To the top of Mount Wanna-hock-a-loogie."
"Bubbles bubbles bubbles"
"I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine."
"Mine." Whoever thought of the seagulls saying this is genius, pure utter genius.

Toy Story Trilogy

I can't just pick one of these movies and say it's better then the others. It's impossible. Each one has it's value and I love them all. When my kids ask to watch any of these, I don't hesitate. The only argument is which one. For a long time after it came out on DVD, Toy Story 3 was something they always watched. And I must say I always watched with them, that movie still makes me cry. But the last month or so they've gotten back into part one and two, much to my happiness. The original Toy Story is classic. When they paired Tom Hanks and Tim Allen--at the height of their careers--they made history. Seriously, love these movies.

Memorable quotes:
"You! Are! A! Toy! You aren't the real Buzz Lightyear! You're an action figure! You're a child's play thing!"
"You are a sad, strange little man."
"You uncultured swine! What are you looking at, you hockey puck?"
"That wasn't flying! That was falling... with style."

"Where'd you get the cool belt Buzz?" "Well, slotted pig, they're standard issue."
"You heard of Kung Fu? Well get ready for pork chop!"
"You callin' me a liar?" "Well, if the boot fits." "Say it again." "If the boot-tuh, fits."
"You really ARE stinky Pete!"
"Look Barbie, and ugly man-doll!" (this gets said a lot)

"We're either in a cafe' in Paris or a coffee shop in New Jersey."
"That Barbie has nice handwriting." "Uh, Buzz, Barbie didn't write this..."
I can't even quote all my favorite parts of the third movie. I love all of it: the interactions with Ken and Barbie, Buzz's spanish mode and every part that I cried (the incinerator, and then Andy saying goodbye). This whole movie was brilliant.
I'm going to have to go watch them all when I'm done here. I need to!

Monsters Vs. Aliens

This is my favorite of the non-Disney animated movies. There are so many good ones (see honorable mentions) but this one is honestly the best--at least I think so. My husband and I took the kids to see this movie in the theaters, in 3D. It was our first 3D movie with the kids (and the last, to be honest. Sheesh, won't do that until they are older!). Being of the generation of Godzilla and other B-movie monsters I got what they were doing with this. I freakin' love this movie. The voices are perfect: Hugh Laurie, Seth Rogen, Reese Witherspoon and Will Arnett. They were all awesome but I believe the reason I love these movies so much are for these three people: Stephen Colbert as the president; Keifer Sutherland as Gen. Monger; Rainn Wilson as Gallaxhar. I love the scene where they are chasing/being chased by the alien robot in San Francisco; even though it was animated the streets were so real. I said at one point, "Hey! I've been there!" Seriously, can't say it enough... I love this movie!

Memorable quotes:
"Hail Gallaxhar."
"That's a good cup of Joe."
"Boys, set the terror level at code brown, cause I need to change my pants."
"The Omega quadrant? Lame."
"So that's how you want to play it? Eat lead alien robot!... Evidently they eat lead.... I'm brave! I'm a brave president!"
Anytime Gallaxhar said "quantonium" or "incinerator"
"I'd cry if I hadn't lost my tear ducts in the war."
"No, we mean you're monster name. What do people scream when they see you coming? 'Look out, here comes...?'" "Susan." "Really" "Suuuuussssaaannn! Oh, I just scared myself. That is scary!" (I'm giggling right now thinking about this scene!)


Honorable Mentions

I feel like I need to mention other movies that I've enjoyed but didn't make my favorite list because in the last 10 years or so, the animation community has really come to realize that adults are watching these movies as much as the kids are and I appreciate all that they do to incorporate adult humor in them. Of the Disney movies, "Tangled" is making heavy rotation right now. "I know not who you are, nor how I came to find you, but may I just say... Hi. How ya doin'?" And then there is "Cars" "Monsters, Inc." "Wall-E" "The Incredibles" and "Up." Of the non-Disney movies, "Despicable Me" is definately a keeper. "Rule number three: You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or sneeze or barf or fart! So no, no, no annoying sounds. All right?"  Others that I've come to regard highly are "Megamind" "Madagascar" "Kung Fu Panda" "Shark Tale" "How to Train a Dragon" and last but certainly not least (comes in a close second to MvA) "Cloudy Chance of Meatballs."

Now I'm going to go watch a movie or two with my children and probably enjoy every second of it.

I've written this post over the last week or so, so I deeply apologize of any grammarical errors (I just made one there, didn't I?) or spelling errors. This stop and go stuff kills me. I'm trying to be organized and maintain a regular posting schedule but it's difficult for me to do that. I'm more of a sit down, release the word vomit and hit post kinda girl.

Keep your eyes and ears forward at all times

My title is bullcrap, you know. At least I know it is. I'm always looking back, learning from mistakes, reminiscing about times past and trying with all my might to forget the things I wish I could change but just can't.

I do that a lot this time of year. Christmas is past and we are on the downhill slope of 2011. So I can't help but think about the things that happened this past year--to learn from, cower from, or enjoy with gay laughter.

I turned 37 this year. Thirty-fucking-seven. As much as I never minded my age, I found my self living in la la land and never accepting the fact that I was in my 30's, let alone my late 30's. But this year, I finally came to terms how old I was. And I'm happily 37 now. I know myself better, I stand up for myself more, and I can now say without cringing, I am thirty-fucking-seven. Suck it!  2011--good.

Me, happily at 37, sporting the "I'm officially in my late 30's still trying to look cool" sunglasses.

My daughter turned 7 this year. Seven. Of course her attitude and mind-set makes her about 16. My daughter is unbelievably smart, extremely clever, has the biggest imagination I've ever encountered in any child, and has so much sass the word diva doesn't quite encapsulate it. She rolls her eyes, sighs loudly and even begun with the sarcasm. I scold her for doing something bad and I get the stink eye, the pursed lips and while she is still looking at me, does that thing I told her to stop doing one more time. And I believe this is just the beginning. 2011--bad.

She thinks she's a princess everyday and should be treated as such.

My son turned 5 this year. Of course because he has such a strong-minded sister he has taken the other, less mature road and decided to whine about everything. He thinks crying about it--what ever it is--will make things go his way. But I dare not say he's totally immature for a 5 year old. He's pretty smart too because if he's crying and I scold him, he stops, looks at me with that sweet "I can do nothing wrong" smile and says "I'm sorry, Mommy." He knows it works because I have allowed it to work. And he knows he got away with it again. He's learning how to manipulate me and doing a great job of it, I just need to try and stay one step ahead of him. 2011--it's a push.

Slays me completely. How can I stay mad at this face?

This year was also the year of the horrific Florida trip. Horrific, as in half horrible, half terrific. I mean, it's Florida for crying out loud, how can I not call that terrific? But scenery and beautiful weather aside is was riddled with in-law bullshit, prejudicial assholes and the realization that I desperately need to do something with my body if I ever want to put on another bathing suit. I swear to you, I was a whale. The dolphins wanted to swim with me, krill ran away from me and I actually understood what Dory was saying in "Finding Nemo"

Since then, I've lost some weight--not a lot but enough to motivate me to lose more. I joined a gym, I fight every week for time at the gym but at least I'm doing it. So, 2011--I'm going to say push.

I saw Maroon 5 in concert this year. Yes, I was within feet from my Adam Levine. Yes... mine. I know he's dating that gorgeous supermodel and he's probably completely head over heels in love with her but that's ok. He just hasn't met me yet, that is all. Uh, hum....  Anyway, this year my best friend and I coined a term to talk about him without saying his name because people (read: husbands) will judge us if we talk about him. He's our peacock. And if you know anything about peacocks... well... I'm sorry Adam... you are a peacock.

PEACOCK!

This year I also met another musical artist whom I've developed an extreme obsession over as well--Matt Nathanson. I think he's wonderful. I think he's a lyrical genius. I think he is funny as hell. Funny how you can listen to someone for a few years and not really get it. I got it this year and I'm thinking I'm not the only one. He's starting to get the recognition he deserves.  So for 2011 and music (i.e. extremely talented, extremely hot guys)--GOOD.

Matty Nay, as I like to call him. GET THIS ALBUM. Trust me, it's awesome. *sigh*

Lastly this deserves it's own paragraph. If you've read me in the past, you know that I do love the show "Friends." I quote it often, almost too often but I can't help it. It's my all time favorite show. For the past 3 years--maybe more--I have asked for the "Friends" series on DVD--the whole series--for Christmas. And every year, either my request went unheard or was disregarded completely because I neglected to get the series. But this year I was adamant about getting it to the point that it became an argument between my husband and I. It went something like this:

Hubs: What do you want for Christmas this year?
Me: Friends
Hubs: You have friends.
Me: No [insert eye roll and under the breath--dumb ass] the tv show Friends.

Silence.

Hubs: So I was thinking about getting you jewelry, what do you want? A necklace or some earrings?
Me: I don't want jewelry. I want Friends.
Hubs: What about that dragonfly pendant? You liked that.
Me: I liked it because it was gaudy and extremely ugly. When I say "Oh my god, that is so awesome" at something so obviously hideous, please refer to the fact that you've known me for 10 years and know that I find novelty in extremely ugly jewelry.
Hubs: So you don't want it?
Me: [sigh] No. I want Friends. Can you just get me what I want?
Hubs. But I want to get you jewelry.
Me: Ok fine. Then I want to get you a pair of ladies, size 9 1/2 Dr. Marten Josie Slouch Tall boots in grey.
Hubs: What are you talking about?
Me: Well, if you are buying me something you want to buy, then I'm going to buy you something I want to buy.
Hubs: Come on, you know what I mean. I won't wear those boots, obviously.
Me: Exactly. I won't wear that dragonfly pendant because it's too fucking ugly. Obviously. Just get me Friends.
Hubs: What the fuck is wrong with you? God! I just wanted to buy my wife jewelry for Christmas. I'm trying to be nice for once.
Me: It would be nice if you actually got me what I wanted. Friends.

OK, so I may have taken literary liberties there but you get the point. And those liberties are very few, let me tell you. And there was probably more swearing. Anyway, after that argument, I stormed upstairs and that night my husband finally did something right... he bought me the Friends complete series on DVD. 2011--GOOD!

So with three goods, two push and one bad, it looks like 2011 is winning. WINNING! You know you said it like I just did...

But now I do need to put my eyes forward and look ahead. I'm going to enter the new year with a few resolutions that I am determined to keep. So much so, I'm writing them down, sending them to cyberdom and hoping that act alone will keep me accountable.

Resolution #1: Couch to 5k  I'm doing it. There is a 5k here on March 18th and that's my goal. I've always wanted to be a runner but I always believed my body didn't allow for running. I've got boobs, you see. Large ones. And it gets uncomfortable to say the least if I run. But now they have wonderful support bras that I have recently purchased so I'm going to give it a try. Maybe by this time next year I'll be a 10k runner, or better.

Resolution #2: Patience. Patience with my kids. Patience with my husband. Patience with the world. You know that song... "If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make that change." I know I can't change the whole world with my own patience, but I can try to change my world. If I don't react badly then maybe the bad things won't happen--or at least get to me as they have before. I'm thinking this one is going to be more difficult then the running because kids and husband aside, there are a lot of stupid people in the world that I get overly angry at. Road rage, store rage, neighbor rage... yea, I got it all because those places are filled to the brim with stupid people! Patience... just a little patience.... (and some deep breaths!)

Resolution #3: Finish my story! Oh my gosh, if I tweak it one more time without finishing it I think I might go crazy! I don't have plans on what to do with the story, maybe I'll send it to one of the e-book publishers and see what I get but for now, it just needs to be finished. For crying out loud, woman! Finish it!

Bring it, 2012... I am ready for you!

Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma'am

Who doesn't love a quicky?

I've been absent for a few weeks for crazy irrational reasons I will most delightfully list for you. And I gotta make it quick.

Reason of absence #1: Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming! And I decided to be a responsible adult and take care of the stuff I usually leave until the day before Christmas. It is late in the evening on December 22nd and I can safely say all my gifts are bought and wrapped. Cookies are made. Christmas cards sent out, and my house is decorated more this year then it ever has. Yay me!

Reason of absence #2: The in-laws. They have invaded my house. And if you have in-laws you know their essence arrives a lot sooner before their bodies. I have scrubbed, mopped, dusted, rearranged, organized and then reorganized the shit out of this house. Only to have it scrutinized incessantly once they--and by they I mean she--got here. It's exhausting being the good wife/mother/daughter-in-law constantly.

Reason of absence #3: See #2 and realize I just can't be the good wife/mother/daughter-in-law 24/7. I have officially gone insane. I'm off my rocker. I may need professional help. Seriously... know a good psychologist?

I'll leave you with the little bit of my Christmas:



My Christmas tree. Oh how I love thee!

The Christmas cookies I made, cut out and baked. The kids and the MIL decorated.
I screwed up the frosting. I got judged. Betty Crocker (I swear that's her other name) fixed it
and then repeatedly reminded me how good the frosting was after she fixed it.

This will be me by Sunday morning....

Merry Christmas everyone!

Haters

I'm in a very delicate place as I write this. I came to a huge realization about myself and the people in my life. Specifically the haters.

Quoted directly from urbandictionary.com: "Jelious ass people who can't stand to see someone doing better then them or see that someone has something goin for them and they dont!!!!! thats when they start to hate on u!!!"

Ok, the grammar and use of language alone turns me into a hater, but I won't go there. The point I wanted to make was the haters in my life are the ones who can't stand to see me doing something good for myself, so they come up with ways to prevent me from doing those good things. Their reasons could be jealousy, fear, or just plain hatred--their reasons are their own. But... I mean... come on!

I'll start with the cloaked hater. This comes in the form of that loving, nurturing group called my family. And by that, I mean mom, dad and brother. These are the people I grew up with, who love me no matter what. That's why I say they are cloaked--their are undercover haters.

All the good ol' days. NOT! I never remember us walking like this as a family.

My parents and I have a very complex and interesting relationship. On my mom's side, I believe it's a "I love my daughter, I'd do anything for her as long as it doesn't interfere with my work or make my husband mad." My dad is more like "I will tell her to do everything better because that's what I do but I won't get off my ass to make it better. I'd rather lecture her about politics and her kids from my recliner here on this island."  And my brother, oh he's a tricky one! "My sister... I love her. But I don't want to spend that much time with her."

To be completely fair, I have to say I'm probably exaggerating a bit here. I know my family loves me unconditionally. I love them too. I will do anything for my mother--I think she's an amazingly patient and loving woman. I will do anything for my brother--I seriously believe he hung the moon... seriously... HE HUNG THE MOON. For my dad... well... I'd do most anything. (long story!) He's my dad (techinally step-dad but he's been my dad most my life) and I love him but he always has been and always will be that holier then thou type.

So why are these wonderful people haters? Because, whenever I would announce I was going to do something to better my life--get a job, lose weight, go back to school--they have always laughed and said in a very dismissive way, "Yea, ok." ha ha ha  "Good luck." There has never been any support or help from them. And that has always left me with the feeling of, well, if my family doesn't think I could do it, I probably can't. That mentality has stuck with me my whole life. That's probably why I'm not a super successful whatever because my family have never been the supportive type. My parents couldn't care less when I quit college. They couldn't care less when I made stupid mistakes and got myself into trouble. It's always been a "she'll learn" mentality with them. I see that in my brother now because he's the same way. He is very much "I'll help if she asks, but I'm not going to offer."

Does that make my family haters? No, probably not in the literal sense (not the urban dictionary sense). I know they love me but I just wish they could support me. 

I tell ya... it's a lesson learned for me though! I will support and encourage my children to do whatever they want. I don't care if I'm paying for piano lessons one month and tap lessons the next. I will do what it takes to help them find their thing.


The second kind of hater is a tricky one. It's a friend. Not a close friend. But a friend none-the-less. She is super peppy--the cheerleader type. And I adore her.

Rah! Rah! Rah! Get it done!

She makes up for the lack of support from my family. Seriously, this girl has so much pep in her, she probably makes up for the lack of support in a lot of families. She is a go-getter, a doer. This girl gets her shit done.

So why is she a hater? Simply put: You don't do, you suck. She will lecture you for hours on end if you make an excuse for something. Excuses are unexceptable to her. And if you make up an excuse--real or not--she will write you off for days. She doesn't deal with failure.

I will probably always have a friend like this in my life. I need a friend like this. And when she's hating on me (like this moment... ugh) I feel horrible and small. It's almost masochistic. I need it. Neeeeeeeeeeedddd  iiiittttttttttt.......


This brings me to the third kind of hater. The worst kind. The kind that is dragging me down every day. And the worst part of it, he doesn't do it consciously.

*Sigh*

I recently joined a gym and was super motivated to work out, get into shape and get my life back. I was tired of being a depressed zombie, roaming about my house moaning and crying about stupid stuff. I knew that a little exercise could do nothing but help. My husband and I decided to join together. He's been wanting to exercise as well and we thought it would be beneficial to both of us, not to mention show our kids that we care about health and exercise too instead of shoving it down their throats. Lead by example, you know?

So, the first time I went to the gym the husband was happy to stay at home, watch the little ones. Or so he said. I was gone a little over an hour and I got home to a ration of crap because I was gone "too long". Both kids were home sick from school but they were not doing anything so I figured it wasn't a big deal if I took my time. And it shouldn't have been a big deal.  That afternoon, my son's ear infection resulted in a ruptured ear drum, I had to rush him to urgent care, which meant my sick daughter had to stay home with her dad. That he had no problem with even though I was gone almost 3 hours.

The next time I decided to go we got into an argument. I left angry. I came home angry but he was super apologetic. So I let it slide.  Today, I mentioned going to the gym again and guess what? He was suddenly too tired to stay awake to watch the kids, he gave me a ration of excuses for me not to go (one being I still have one sick kid). I swear, he has the guilt skills of a Catholic grandmother! So I didn't go, he went to bed and I'm left here feeling crappy.

So why is he a hater? I think... and I believe it to be true because he has mentioned this before--he doesn't want me to go to the gym. He doesn't want me to lose weight and look and feel better. Because if I look and feel better, I will leave him. Because every fat girlfriend he's ever had did that. They lost weight, felt better about themselves and left him. So because all those crazy bitches did that, I must be doing it too. Nevermind the 10 years we've spent together. Nevermind the two kids we created and are raising together. Nevermind all that. I was just biding my time to hit the gym and leave him.  He doesn't want me to be better because if I was I wouldn't need him as much and then where would he be? So instead he will do everything in his power to hate on me whenever I mention going to the gym. Or going on a diet... don't even get me started on that! He sabotages that before it even starts. I mention diet and suddenly they are more chips and cookies and crackers on the counter.

I am defenseless against it. I don't want to argue and I refuse to be the nagging wife.

But today, I after he went to bed I had a revelation.

I am NOT going to let these people keep me down. I am going to do something for myself and I am going to get it done. I'm not going to use my unsupportive family as an excuse. I'm not going to use the shame of failure from cheerleader friend as an excuse. And I sure as hell am not going to use a little argument and my husband's insecurity as an excuse. I'm getting my shit done.

I'm going to be a doer. I refuse to be sent to the yellow bench ever again.*

*The story with the yellow bench: In middle school there was a yellow bench in front of the principal's office. The school's big thing was "Be a Doer" which was a cheap and easy way of saying the same thing my kids' school says "Be Safe, Respectful and Responsible".  Well, at my middle school, if you were caught not being a doer, you got sent to the yellow bench. For the past 25 years, I will always associate the yellow bench as a cruel and humiliating punishment to failure. It was in the middle of the school yard and if you were there, your friends--and the whole school--could see and laugh and make fun of you. We would laugh at those kids on the yellow bench, "Ha ha! You aren't a doer!" I still shutter when I think of it.

Thanks for that

Thankgiving. The day to give thanks. At a time in my life when rock bottom and I are well aquainted, I thought I'd lift my head up and thank the people--and things--that make my life worth living.

1. The internet. Where would I be without you? Probably hiding in a corner in my room curled into a ball humming "It's a Small World". You keep my mind occupied with random bull shit preventing me from dwelling too long on the crap that put me and rock bottom into this intimate relationship.

2. Coffee. How do I love thee, let me count the ways. Do I need to state a reason? I mean, come on, it's coffee!

3. Mirrors. Well, mirrors and my mother to be exact. Or maybe I should be thanking Selena for this post . This is a new development in my life but I feel I should be thankful for it. I read that post and got a wonderful visit from my mom at the same time. It was like a slap in the face that I needed. Note: My mom is not fat by any means but she is almost 60. I am only 37. I don't think I should look like a 60 year old. Just sayin'.

4. Adam Levine. You knew I'd go there.

Gratutious Adam Levine picture. I've got a million of them!

 But I also wanted to thank a wonderful artist whom I have grown to love so freakin' much--Matt Nathanson. His songwriting speaks to me in so many different ways. I love how he's kinda dirty in a very cloaked way, but most his lyrics are so raw and real and how he sings them you believe he's been there. Really, honestly, give him a listen. (p.s. this vid is my favorite song of his... well current favorite anyway!)



5. Kids. No, not my kids, are you kidding me? They are the spawn of Satan! Ok, no really. I am thankful for my kids, despite the devil red that pulses through them. I may lose my freakin' mind dealing with them everyday and I seriously believe they have a secret pact going to see which one of them will deliver the final straw that breaks my sanity and send me to the looney bin. But through all their demon child antics, there are those moments when one of them will sit next to me on the couch, rest his or her head on my arm and whispers in the sweet angelic (fake, but who cares) voice, "Mommy, I love you." I may be completely screwing them up but at least they love me. And for that, I'm grateful.

6 & 7. My friends. You know who you are. You sent out a lifeline to me and invited me to "Twilight Tuesdays" that got me out of my house at least once a week. And you weathered through my internal--and totally inappropriate--moans for Robert Pattinson and that totally hot boy whom I will forever call Tater to remind myself that no matter how pretty his mouth is and no matter how grown-up that body is, he is WAY too young for me to look at any way except with the hope that my daughter will someday grow up and meet a nice looking young man like him. Uh hum. And you. You also patiently waiting for me to open back up to you, after I carelessly refused to return your concerned phone calls. Three weeks passed and you diligently called me everyday just to say hi even though I didn't call back once. And when we did reconnect there was no judgement from you, just a "It's ok, I completely understand." Most women would have written me off, but not you. You held on like a real friend.

8. My best friend. I have best friends (see above) and then I have a best friend. How did I say it when I was younger? I had "local" best friends and then I had my "world" best friend. Well, I'm saying thank you to my "world" best friend. When I am on a crazy roller coaster and I'm trying to deal with money issues, or family drama, or kid drama, or just my own emotional being, I'm screaming my head off with my eyes closed waiting for it to end. And when it does, I open my eyes and I find out you were on the same crazy roller coaster--we just both had our eyes closed and didn't realize we were right next to each other the whole ride. So many times, for so many reasons I board that ride with my eyes open, begging you to help me through the climbs and falls and you do so willingly. One little phrase always makes me realize why you are my best friend: "Do you want me to give you the nice bullshit answer or the real one?"  Thank you for that and for so many more reasons I can't even begin to list.

9. I already thanked the internet but I want to end this post with a thank you to words, written words. Without written words I wouln't be able to express myself clearly. Sometimes the words I want to say get lost on the route from my brain to my mouth. But the route from my brain to my hands is much clearer. And I'm extremely thankful for knowing I can come here and write whatever randomness I have going on inside my head, whether people read it or not, it's ok. At least I have my outlet. It's not beautiful lyrics, or a prize winning novel, or even a widely read and acknowledged blog--and I'm ok with that. At least it's here, waiting for these written words to be poured out into it's hungry, blank belly.

Thank you.

Not For Dudes. I warned you!

Yes, this is not for the dude, or the dude minded (not that any men read this--at least I don't think so. I should never assume I guess.).

I'm going to talk about my period. Well, not mine specifically. Maybe just periods in general.

You see, I need to infuse a little humor into my life because I've been down in the dumps for so long and I'm trying to pull myself out of the hole.

Not attractive photo. Was going to make the hole brown but then it would look like I was sinking in shit.
Which I guess would be appropriate.

Anyway. being depressed and being on my period just feels like the whole world is out to get me.

Deceitful little thing it's it? Looks so happy, so healthy. I hate her.

So, to laugh at myself and the millions of other women I thought I'd write down the fun euphemisms I found regarding that time of the month. But I found when you google some things you tend to get something else. Did I really want to know what movie scenes guys associate the period to? Example: The elevator scene in The Shining or Stephan King's Carrie (not putting a clip of that movie--it disturbs me too much) or my personal favorite, vampire death on True Blood. Do guys really think that's what it's like?

My guess--and it's an educated one being married and having a dad, older brother, and many guy friends--is YES, that's exactly what they think.  And they would be right... that is exactly what it's like. Or at least that's what it feels like at times.

So, before I googled I wrote down the euphemisms that I use all the time:

Time of the month
Aunt Flo
Don't touch me, don't talk to me, don't look at me for the next week.

These are the ones I know of but rarely use because I can't pull off the wit of most of these sayings (or find the appropriate time to say them)

Surfing the crimson wave (Clueless... love it!)
On the rag (hate this one)
Game day for the Crimson Tide
Waving the Commi flag
Trolling for vampires
Chumming the waters (my husbands personal favorite--used it a lot while we were in Florida)


After a sucessful google search, I learned these new ones that made me snort my coffee out of my nose:

Massacre at the Y
Miss Scarlet as come home to Tara
High tide at the red river
Riding the cotton pony
Red Skeleton has dropped by
Embracing my moon time


Oh, and my favorite scene about periods? Just had to share this because it made me giggle. And I love Ashton Kutcher... especially in this movie. "No Strings Attached". Even the title illicits period thoughts.

I mean, come on! Who wouldn't want a totally cute guy bringing you cupcakes--especially red velvet cupcakes (another euphemism?)--while you are on your period. And make you a mixed tape, er... CD. And the best line--'There's, like, a crime scene in my pants'.

I'm going to embrace my moon time and be grateful I'm not pregnant. *shudder* That's the silver--crimson--lining in it all.

Venting like Old Faithful

I have about 5 minutes to write this but I just HAVE to write this because it's really bothering me.

As you might have heard, Kim Kardashian filed for divorce after 72 days of marriage. If you haven't where the hell have you been??? Anyway, it's obviously not the first "celebrity" wedding that's ended so quickly but for some reason it hit a nerve with me.

Probably because I've been struggling to make things work with my marriage. Whether that's the point or beside it, I've got something to say.

The term "irreconcilable differences" kind of pisses me off. I know that is one of the most popular reasons why people get divorced. To me, the only irreconcilable differences in a marriage are:

Abuse (sexual, physical, emotional)
Sexual preference
Sexual perversion

I know those are very broad but I think it's pretty obvious. "Sexual preference" mostly means "Oops, I lied, I'm really gay". Which I think I would have hit the jackpot if I got a gay husband, but whatever... And "sexual perversion" is not "Oh, he wanted to tie me to the bed and tickle me with the feather before we made love and I just wasn't into that kinky stuff." It's more of a "I found a huge stash of kiddie porn on his computer and I'm sending his perverted ass to jail."

But lets get back to what I'm originally so livid about: irreconcilable differences. Obviously I do not know what went on in Kim K. and that dude's (last name is Humphries I think?) marriage and I don't pretend to know. But what I do know is that they had a 10million dollar wedding, made 17million off the wedding and they couldn't even give it a go after 2 1/2 months? Really?

The differences between two people are what make a marriage interesting (and frustrating at the same time). Most married people have difference of opinions about things and most married people work their shit out. You made a promise before God and millions of people to love, honor and stay married to each other through good and bad and now you just want to just throw in the towel because of differences?

In my opinion, those differences should have been discussed and resolved BEFORE you said "I do." Do not say "I do" unless you are 100% sure you can handle those things about the other person you can't stand. TRUST ME. Because if they annoy the shit out of you before you're wed, they will annoy you 100 times more after. But that is not a reason to divorce.

I don't know... Like I said, I have no clue what what on in their marriage. I'm trying really hard not to be judgy judgy about them but honestly, if you are going to live your life in the limelight, you need to deal with people like me.

As for me... I heard someone say recently "Be better then reality television." I think I'll just live by that here. I need to be better and let those people deal with the shit they stepped in.

ADDED TO SAY:

I just wanted to say that I do not think their marriage is a "sham" or a "publicity stunt" or whatever else others are saying. That is not where I was going with this. They say they married for love, well good for them but obviously it wasn't enough love to stay together through those differences. And if it was a sham, then it's a pretty elaborate sham that took a lot of brain power and well... I just don't think they are capable of pulling something off so elaborate. JUST MY OPINION.